Monthly Archives: May 2009

Sad, Drunk Royals Fans Raise Bar For Game Behavior and Solid Parenting

nolanryandestroyingrobinventuraEver wonder why Royals attendance is so lackluster? Oh, sure, there’s that whole “mediocre team” thing — but what really tends to keep people away is the intoxication and boorish behavior. Of course, what’s really a shame is when that behavior strays into the children’s playground area (!). Now, stay with us here, because the ace Star reporters evidently failed the “avoiding the Abbott and Costello style of narration” course in J-School.

According to police, the fracas began when Mela’s wife was trying to take a photograph of her child. Brooks walked in front of the camera, causing Mela’s wife to utter an expletive.

What happened next is in dispute. Mela’s wife said Brooks and several men began assaulting her and her husband.

Brooks told police Mela’s wife called one of her relatives a racial slur and that Mela spit in her face, which prompted the fight. Brooks reportedly said Mela’s wife fell to the ground and she started kicking her.

An independent witness told police she saw Mela and Brooks arguing and then three men started attacking Mela, knocking him to the ground. She said Mela stood up and spit in Brooks’ face, prompting the men to again punch him and stomp on his head.

Classy, right? It’s nice enough when some lout spills a beer on your foot. But brawling in the playground area? Have you no shame, Mr. Mela? Or… is it Miss Brooks who’s to blame? Ah, who can tell? All I know is that I can’t wait to get back to The K.

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Russ Ptacek Will Spare KC From Faux-Ichthyoid Menace

charlietunagivingafriendlywaveIf there’s one thing that local newsman and “investigator” Russ Ptacek is good at, it’s over-emoting getting to the heart of a shady story. And by god, the good sir has not let us down this time. Recently, Russ Toomanyconsonants went undercover into the heart of Kansas City’s most merciless, unforgiving, dangerous turf: local seafood restaurants! The cause? Why, those dastardly shrimp-slingers are claiming to serve grouper while actually serving — gasp! — other fish! The delicate taste buds of Ptacek will not stand for such fraud. And to prove his point, he’ll… do something kind of creepy. MORE

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George Brett Loves Profanity, Terrible Striped Pants

georgebrettpinetarfreakoutHey, look! Kansas City’s favorite pine tar aficionado and proud defecator George Brett would like to share some thoughts with you! It seems that George — kindly sparing a few minutes from his busy schedule of golf and fashion crimes — has some things to say about local media (and popular) criticism of Royals manager and famously pious man Trey Hillman. He chose KSHB as the source of his peculiar overshare, and the resulting video is pretty priceless.  Since I don’t know how to do fancy tech things like “embed video,” I’ll just let you click on over and watch it.

Done? Crazy, right? But what was the craziest part? Was it George’s unsparing usage of the f-bomb? No, no. It was actually his choice to sport the WORST PANTS IN THE WORLD. What the hell, GB? It looks like you stole the upholstery off my grandmother’s c. 1978 sofa and sewed your own pantaloons. You look like you should be swinging into the 19th hole on a chandelier. I’d be surprised if those pants didn’t come with their own cutlass and cask o’ rum. Let’s retire them with the Black Pearl and not conduct interviews in them.

Not surprisingly, this story was picked up by the major national sports blogs. Way to do KC proud, George.

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