Avian Savior C.W. Gusewelle Heroically Saves Wandering Mallards

notamallardbutthisphotoofdonaldwilldoYou know, the animal world sees threats from all sides these days. Loss of habitat, pollution, conservatives making every effort to drill for oil in every unspoiled locale… but the biggest threat may come from those unwilling to help. Luckily, this city has Star columnist and purple prose aficionado C.W. Gusewelle, who will selflessly commit himself to orchestrating the rescue of a local duck family. Of course, his wisdom in making this operation the center of his Sunday column seems doubtful — but never you mind. You will listen to his tales of animal rescue, and you will like it!

The story starts with C-dub sitting in stately Gusewelle Manor, when suddenly his lacuna is interrupted by a distress call. Local mallards need his help! Quick, to the Overwroughtprosemobile!

We rushed out to look, and there they were, the proud mama and her new hatchlings, 11 of them, no bigger than small teacups.

Where they’d come from, or what destination she had in mind, no one could know. What was certain was that she’d chosen a perilous route. For at the top of the block our street intersects a six-lane divided boulevard.

Only grief lay ahead if she continued on that course.

NOOOOOOOO!!!! Whatever is to be done?!? How will our fearless columnist manipulate a veritable squadron of wild animals so that a certain doom is avoided? Well, I can tell you that C-dub devotes approximately 75,000 words to telling the tale, and I’ll spare you any excerpts. You can read the column yourself. I will merely say that all the ducks were saved, and tease you with his conclusion:

In a long life, I do not remember many other evenings ending that satisfactorily.

It may be true, as an old proverb says, that it takes a village to raise a child. But it only took a neighborhood to save a family of urban ducks.

Ahhhh… a city sighs with relief. A potential disaster averted. A gang of ducks saved. And a columnist rewarded with a lame column subject.

We’re actually glad to see devotion to rescuing our feathered friends. You may recall that this isn’t the first time C-dub has been involved with the animal world, and that other incidents didn’t go quite as pleasantly.


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