Iranian Crisis Evokes Wistful, Scatalogical Memory For Prolix Star Columnist

thistoiletisclassicHave you been following the turmoil in Iran? Sure you have — probably via that loathsome, self-indulgent medium you kids call “Twitter.” (Apologies to the half of this site’s writers who use said medium.) You know who else has been following it, sort of? Why, it’s purple prose aficionado and professional yarn-spinner C.W. Gusewelle, who uses this poignant moment in geopolitical development to reflect upon an idea he had so many years ago. You see, during the Iranian hostage crisis, C-dub thought it’d be a wise idea to explore his entrepreneurial side. His idea? Um, a toilet seat.

It occurred to me that what this aggrieved country of ours needed in that moment of anger and resentment was an Ayatollah Khomeini TOILET SEAT, transforming the call of nature into a patriotic impulse.

It would, I believe, have caught the national mood of the moment, taken the marketplace by storm and resulted in more fame and fortune than has ever come to me through writing.

Hey, nice. Hard to believe that didn’t catch on. But what’s with the weird combination of italics and CAPITAL LETTERS?

So what happened to this idea?

Regrettably, however, my slender talents are not entrepreneurial. I thought about the idea. Then thought about it some more. And in January of the next year, before I finished thinking, the hostages were released and my chance was lost.

Aha! He who hesitates is lost, man. Even when you’re pushing a bizarre idea like this one.

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