The Fasting and The Frankfurterious

hotdogIn these challenging times (recession!), each of us is attempting to simplfy our lifestyle through sacrifice, thrift and conservation. For the love of god, titans of industry are falling! Scores of workers find themselves jobless and panicked over job prospects! Why, things are so bad that a certain lawmaker (and Worst Person in the World) aims to deny children food out of “fiscal responsibility.”

Ah, but forget all about that nonsense, because our local paper of record is comin’ atcha with a contest that’s guar-ON-teed to make you forget about poverty and starvation!  By what means can such sorcery be achieved? Silly, hungry, poor inquisitor — by putting clothes on mystery meat products, that’s how!

Enter our Tour de Franks contest

Last year hundreds of you showcased your creativity in FYI’s “Dress a Dog” contest (edible, NOT pet) . For your new passport to summer fun, we’re asking you to pack your suitcasing and travel a-brat.

That’s right, we want you to dress the wieners in tourist duds and send them on vacation (even if you’re stuck at home). Deck them out however you choose — mini clothes, pipe cleaners, pasta, props — just have fun and be creative! Look around the house and in the kids’ toy box for inspiration.

First off, way to go on the whole “journalism” thing, Star. Thank god you fired those pesky local reporters to make room for features such as this. City Hall coverage? No, thank you! More photos of food with doll clothes and googly eyes, please. Great way to get the public to do the work on filling the FYI section for you, as well.

Secondly, “edible, NOT pet”? Excuse me, but I believe those two are not mutually exclusive. The paper would like to further emphasize that they want meat, not mutt:

Just to be perfectly clear: Do not send us pictures of your four-legged dog dressed up — even if he’s a wiener dog.

Yeah, seriously, people. Because that would be dumb.

But really — while families across this city, state, nation, and so forth are having real conversations about how to afford meals, how is it considered a good idea to hold a contest that involves such an appalling waste of food? It’s the same “only in America” phenomenon that has created monstrosities like  the “world’s largest pancake” that sits in a field and rots away or food sculptures that never get eaten. Hey, we love a creative competition as much as the next person, but why involve food in this way?

That being said, here’s our entry. It’s “Grizzly Man” documentarian “Wiener Herzog.”

weiner_herzog copy

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