Monthly Archives: July 2009

Love The Lord? Hate The Gays? Host Your Conference In Kansas City And Get Public Money!

thatisoneangryjewishcarpenterIt’s a rough time to be a city official, particularly in a city suffering from mammoth budget problems. So how to dispense the much-demanded funds In This Economy? For roads? For municipal upkeep? For transportation costs? Pshaw! Send that money over to the religious fringe! At least that seems to be the plan of the Kansas City(-squared) Council, which saw fit to direct a 5-large grant from the “Neighborhood Tourism Development Board” — a typical bureaucratically cumbersome name — to a conference hosted by Bishop Mark Tolbert (and hey, check out his MySpace page) and Victorious Life Church.

The council voted 8-3 in favor of the grant, with supporters saying the conference drew thousands to Kansas City and provided a positive promotion for healthy lifestyles and economic development.

Council members Beth Gottstein, Jan Marcason and Bill Skaggs said they didn’t think it was an appropriate use of tourism dollars.

Council members expressed concerns several weeks ago about the proposed grant because a scheduled preacher at the event had in the past condemned homosexuals.

At issue was a speaker to be featured at the conference, one “Prophet Todd Hall.” So… prophet is a formal title now? Why the brouhaha? Well, just take a look at what PTH has to say about The Gays.

Classy. Yes, yes, the Bible condemns homosexuality. Let’s see, though… what does it say is okay? Oh, that’s right: slavery. Might be time to rethink the literal interpretation of that fanciful storybook, no?


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Filed under City Government, Economics, Religion

Shall Bare Feet Once Again Tread Upon The Floors Of City Hall?

Ursula_SquitiroIf it’s a Friday in Kansas City, there must be news regarding mayor-related litigation, right? Well, here’s your weekly dose:

Funkhouser wins lawsuit against ordinance barring wife from his office

Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser has won his lawsuit against a city ordinance that prohibited his wife from volunteering at City Hall.

Jackson County Judge Justine Del Muro has ruled in favor of Funkhouser, who had argued that a city ordinance prohibiting his wife and daughter, Gloria and Tara Squitiro, from volunteering in his office was unconstitutional.

“It is no secret that the passage of the city’s volunteer ordinance was specifically aimed at these plaintiffs,” Del Muro wrote. “Here, plaintiffs Gloria Squitiro have a personal stake as their conduct may result in action taken against plaintiff Funkhouser that could result in imprisonment for him.”

Well, now. Obviously this opens a floodgate of potential drama and entertainment for the city. More to come, natch.

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Filed under City Government, Funkhouser, In the News, Law, Politics

Koster Boldly Defends Most Popular Cause Of All Time

kostertakesontheillsofsocietyFans of our meager efforts over at State of the Line may recall that we were occasionally a bit hard on Missouri AG Chris Koster, who attacks legal evildoers with his boyish charm and Exeterian good looks. Boy, were we ever wrong. Turns out Chris Koster never had anything but the best interests of our nation’s most precious resource at heart. That’s right: he has staked out brave new ground by defending… um, patriotism. Yeah! Fight the good fight, Koster!

Missouri Attorney General Chris Koster said a judge was correct in dismissing a lawsuit over the Pledge of Allegiance.

Last week, St. Francois County Circuit Judge Bernhardt Drumm Jr. dismissed a suit against another judge, Kenneth Pratte, over Pratte’s practice of beginning each day in court with the Pledge of Allegiance.

The attorney general’s office defended Pratte in the suit filed by Robert Stamm Sr. and Robert Stamm Jr. The men claimed a violation of their First Amendment rights.

Koster said the decision protects the rights of the judiciary and citizens to express patriotism.

Nothing like taking on the important foes. When you defend a judge’s right to recite the Pledge of Allegiance — tainted though it may be with a blatant violation of the church/state separation — you’re really defending the tired, the poor, the huddled masses oppressed by the powerful. Bravo, Koster.

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Filed under Crime, Law

Local Vagrant’s Dirty Laundry Incites Citywide Panic

thismanatleastpackedhissmellyclothesinhisbundleOkay, we know that in a post-9/11 era, law enforcement agencies tend to take everything pretty seriously. And that’s why it was a mistake for a passing hobo to leave his duffel o’ soiled tees lingering outside the federal building at 12th and Locust. Police quickly mobilized their bomb squads and their most efficient dry cleaners.

Authorities shut down 12th Street in front of the building and Locust Avenue from 12th to 13th streets for a brief time. The streets were reopened at about 9:30 a.m.

Police searched the bag and found clothing inside. Investigators believe the bag may have belonged to a homeless person.

Damn you, wandering vagabonds! Why must you waste precious resources with your carelessness? Next time, kindly remember to pack your smelly bundle with the rest of your belongings inside your discarded shopping cart. Please don’t leave your clothing strewn about in a haphazard manner near federal buildings.

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Filed under Crime, Law

More linguistic adventures with KMBC: doesn’t the station seem to be demeaning this woman’s actions with the sly quotation marks? It’s as if the message is “Yeah, sure you’ll be racing for the cure, Grandma.”

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Filed under Grammar

Hook Up With Anonymous Westport Streetwalkers At Your Own Risk

thisiswhatmarthathinksofyourbehavioryousinnersSigh. What is this city coming to? It’s almost like you can’t even get some sweet back alley lovin’ from a stranger anymore — at least not without being robbed at gunpoint and blacking out in a most pride-killing position. According to court records released today, men take their lives and their futures in their hands when they try to sidestep the whole courtship process of romance.

The women had plotted to distract the victims with the sexual activity while two male accomplices sneaked up and robbed the victims at gunpoint, police said.

The plot unraveled when the accomplices shot the victims before asking for money or valuables. The women and accomplices fled, three in a Ford Taurus and one on foot…

Police found a 34-year-old victim with wounds to his arm and leg and a 31-year-old victim on the ground with his pants around his knees. He was unconscious and suffered wounds to his legs.

Man. Bad night. The lesson, as always: if you think a random passerby whispering sweet nothings and filling your ears with visions of forbidden carnal knowledge is totally innocent, then you’re probably an idiot. And you’re likely to end up passed out in a Westport alley — usually the home of strolling hipsters too cool to take the sidewalks, lest their faux-vintage Replacements shirt be damaged — finding damage to both pride and wallet.

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Filed under Crime, Law, Social Life

Older Bespectacled Woman Elbows Aside Tweens, Rushes To Greet A Jonas


This is a photo (via the Star) from last night’s Jonas Brothers concert at the Dying Wireless Company Center. What’s with this lady with glasses? Is she someone’s chaperone? And how about the Meg Ryan lookalike on the left, proudly turning her back on the teen idols? Or maybe she’s a security guard? What a weird concert.

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Filed under Music, Oddities