Jason Whitlock Pens Sprawling Profile Of Rapper You’ve Never Heard Of, Somehow Avoids Subject Of Rump Preference

whitlockmakingeyesatawomanofillreputeWhen last we encountered our pal Jason Whitlock — the buffoonish, self-caricaturizing, painfully untalented Star columnist (and prominent oversharer) — he was offending just about every woman in America with a befuddling column-cum-personal ad that truly spanned the craziness spectrum. In it, he took on everything from tennis to his desired proportions for the backsides of local women. Now, though, Jason has returned to the subject he knows best: sports local rappers. In the new issue of Ink, KC’s sassiest weekly, Jason writes an astonishing 4,000 words (!) about something called “Krizz Kaliko,” who is apparently a local songster of note. Oh, come on — don’t pretend you’ve heard of him. Just listen to Jason’s deeply objective assessment of his new album:

A decade later, after performing alongside Tech N9ne as his sidekick for more than a thousand shows, singing hooks and rapping on more than a half-dozen Strange Music-produced CDs, the genius has unmasked himself.

On July 14, Krizz will nationally release his 18-track sophomore CD, Genius, which is being hailed as the most commercially viable and artistically eclectic album ever produced in Kansas City.

Oh, did I say “objective”? Sorry, I meant “obsequious.” But that’s nothing compared to the simply lovely opinions offered by experts in the thing called “rap”:

“This would make Dr. Dre nut on himself,” said legendary local club DJ Sean “Icy Rock” Raspberry after hearing the CD for the first time. “That’s just incredible, the production, the way he put the vocals together.”

“It’s impossible to have that much talent in one motherfucker,” said Tech N9ne, describing his musical soul mate.

Well, if there’s one thing we can count on “Icy Rock” and Tech Nine (I refuse to follow his subversive alphanumeric bastardization) to provide, it’s a classy endorsement of their colleague.

Other gems from Whitlock include mixed similies(“bought a $120,000 home for himself, his mom and sister in the Huxtable-like 63rd-and-Troost neighborhood known as The Citadel”), dull/faux-dramatic set-ups (“His friends told him to redirect his passion to another area. He turned to music.”), unbelievable misspellings (“Thunder and Lightening would take you there quick,” Krizz said.), and incredibly lazy analogizing (“He can be a Jamie Foxx-like balladeer.”)

How to put this nicely? Jason, you are not what is called “a good writer.” The biggest laugh, though, comes in a comment on the article from Violet Brown, who will yell at you until you purchase the album:

Jason Whitlock, your story is as good as the release. You have really captured the true & very REAL, KRIZZ KALIKO. You have written an AMAZING piece for an AMAZING artist. This is just one more feather in the cap of the NEW, TRUE #1 INDIE LABEL IN THE GAME,  “STRANGE MUSIC”.

Actually this profile is really NOT AMAZING and only reveals JASON WHITLOCK as a truly PEDESTRIAN TALENT.

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6 Comments

Filed under Jason Whitlock, Media, Music

6 responses to “Jason Whitlock Pens Sprawling Profile Of Rapper You’ve Never Heard Of, Somehow Avoids Subject Of Rump Preference

  1. What is:

    A.) a Whitlock;
    B.) a rapper?

  2. royce

    lot o shit talkin comein from a website with a gd damn cow as the banner.

    who ever wrote this dribble seriously needs to get a life and quite being a hater of such high degree.

    suck on a jellysickle bitch

  3. Greg

    SO…. whoever wrote this is a pathetic waste of resources because it is completely based around judging one article of another writer who is obviously more successful and well known than you. Don’t get me wrong, I hate Jason Whitlock, and the recording of his interview with Krizz Kaliko on Tech N9ne’s (I do honor the “subversive alphanumeric bastardization” because I respect artists and their preferred nomenclature. Also I’m going to take this opportunity to call you out on including that useless piece of text in your article. Your such a miserable, pathetic fucking excuse for a writer that you choose to first of all write a shitty article about how shitty someone else is, but you actually are so sad that your shortcomings as a writer required you to fill in this abomination of literature with irrelevant tid-bits such as your problem with Tech N9ne’s choice of spelling, which im sure you only included because you wanted to make a point of being a rebel, and add emphasis to the fact that you have only negative things to say about the way everyone else does everything, all while getting to show off your unimpressive vocabulary.) KOD album was ridiculous. The only thing that really impresses me is that you managed to one-up Whitlock’s shittiness as a writer. You give the english language a bad name, and you take away from the valuable time of others. For example, I was coaxed into reading your article while looking for other information regarding Whitlock, continued to read it due to its almost hypnotizing stupidity (I no longer judge people for getting sucked into reality TV, and exploit magazines), and was so dumbfounded by the fact that you maintain the ability to use a computer, while most surely being overwhelmed by the retardations that I imagine riddle your brain, that I simply couldn’t resist writing this counter-rant to crush you as a person (see, your negativity just breeds more) when I could have been doing something like smoking a bowl. Your a fag. Fuck you. And for the sake of humanity, either eliminate any possibility off offspring by killing your self, (I would say just cut your dick off, but I know you would still continue to spread your plague for the rest of your lifetime. and in the event you do already have children… smoother them with pillows.) or help yourself to a writing class and a life coach so that maybe everything about your won’t piss me off so much. I would appreciate your consideration.

  4. Greg

    Oh and by the way, lots of people know who Krizz Kaliko is. He’s a brilliant artist with a huge range of musical talent, and he’s the right-hand man of the #1 Independent rapper in the world. And before you say anything about how being the number one independent rapper in the world isn’t a noteworthy accomplishment, yes it fucking is, and who are you? and what have you accomplished that could hold a fucking candle to the feet of Tech N9ne, Krizz Kaliko, or even Jason fucking Whitlock?

  5. chris

    I’m a little late on this one, but I like how you are going to badmouth Whitlock, who happens to be a douche bag, but nobody even knows who you are. Your name isn’t even on this article. You are going to play this shit off like no one knows who Krizz Kaliko is and go further by not even acknowledging that he is a person……that puzzles me because shouldn’t you gather some information about what you are going to write about? Something called a Krizz Kaliko (sigh of disgust). All you had to do was google the name and you could have found enough to know that it’s not a something, but a somebody. Just because you have your opinion about Whitlock doesn’t mean you need to pass one on somebody else because you think they are insignificant. Funny because still as I’m writing this, you are the insignificant tool that is still a mystery here. More people know who Krizz Kaliko is than you think. Hate all you want, but this guy who can’t spell is making more with his life than you are, getting paid to do it, and must be doing something right to make your bitch ass jealous enough to write about him. hahahaha. Tech N9ne. Spell it again. Alphanumeric bastardization lol. I like how you used that. You have probably waited a very long time to use a clever line like that. When did it become wrong to combine numbers and letters together? We wouldn’t have dates, or times, or math…….Doesn’t make a lot of sense to bash someone’s personalization in writing. You are a writer, apparently because you write on a website, so you would know that once you get beyond school and write you sometimes put your own spin on how you label and structure things. Shakespeare invented words in his day that are in the dictionary. Yeah, he didn’t mix numbers and letters, but if he did maybe it would have been a word. Hemingway didn’t follow all the rules in writing. I guess if N9ne was an accomplished author, you would have just kept your mouth shut, but no that is too much like right.

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