Lone Warrior-King Sam Brownback Leads Crusade Against Coming Mythical Creatures

sambrownbacksworstnightmareProfessional holy person and occasional U.S. senator Sam “Jesus” Brownback — who is also almost certainly your next governor, Sunflower Staters — has a warning for you: the future is dark, cold, and packed with unimaginable menace. And why is his vision of the future so dark? Silly heathens! It’s because President Hopechange is funding a secret government cabal working to create human-animal hybrids! NOOOO! Ray Bradbury’s worst nightmares have been realized, and Brownback is the only one who gets it.

“This legislation works to ensure that our society recognizes the dignity and sacredness of human life,” said Brownback. “Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice.”


The Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act would ban the creation of human-animal hybrids. Human-animal hybrids are defined as those part-human, part-animal creatures, which are created in laboratories, and blur the line between species.

Exactly. Thank god for Sam Brownback — is there no one else willing to take a stand against the pervasive influence of “part-human, part-animal creatures”? And you’ll be glad to know that Sammy’s reasoning for this bill is on very firm ground indeed:

Brownback continued, “This legislation is both philosophical and practical as it has a direct bearing upon the very essence of what it means to be human, and it draws a bright line with respect to how far we can go in attempting to create new creatures made with genes from both humans and animals.”

You know, Sam, simply declaring something “philosophical” doesn’t carry much weight. In fact, all it means is “of or pertaining to philosophy.” It’s hardly something you use to convince someone of the gravity of your arguments — especially when that argument is, um, questionable.

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