If we were the kind of people who used emoticons, right now you’d see a colon/right parenthesis combo in this space. Sadly, we’re not fourteen-year-old girls. But exactly how are we supposed to express our sheer joy over the latest revelation in The Amazing Adventures of Squitiro and Funk? Just when you thought the whole ordeal couldn’t get any crazier, the scene any more laughable, the first lady of Kansas City goes and does something like this. The news yesterday that Ms. Squitiro’s personal diary/”book” outline had been made public as part of the Mammygate proceedings hit Kansas City like a comedy rocket. Were we really about to glimpse inside the mind of the metro area’s most preposterous personality? (Aside from Whitlock, that is.) Yes, we were. And it was everything we thought it could be.
So exactly how ridiculous is this woman? Well, pretty ridiculous — how else would one characterize a person who called their project It All Started When I Was Born: Book Part Two? Seriously? That first clause is what you’d like to see on the cover of your someday-published book? We like her alternate title: C’mon Funk, Move Your Ass — Gloria Squitiro and the New Politics. And no, we didn’t make that up. See for yourself.
The diary contains some outstanding selections:
“She’s desperate for approval and attention, yet she’s a joke in the eyes of most,” Squitiro writes about Councilwoman Beth Gottstein.
On Sept. 2, 2008: “I despise Jan Marcason with a vigor and energy that knows no bounds.”
On Oct. 23, writing about Councilman Bill Skaggs: “This guy is a moron if he thinks he can get out of this with his usual wink and nod.”
July 7: “The hypocrisy of the female council members makes me want to puke.”
Lovely. Of course, the document contains other gems: there’s perplexing word usage (“I’m cutting my nose to spite my face as the emotional roller-coaster (sic) takes a toll on the whole family’s health and energy”); smirk-worthy mistakes (“dear-in-the-headlights look”); Mafioso threats (“Fuck you Ruth Bates… my lawyer is coming to get you”); inadvertently accurate mocking complaints (“The fat, inappropriate, unkempt, white trash first lady is banned from the mayor’s office”); bizarre non sequiturs (“I am such a bad neighbor”); and a whole host of other wonderful sentences. Seriously, it’s worth reading.
So where does this place Ms. Squitiro in the Annals of Craziness? Pretty high up, it seems. The diary paints a picture of a disturbed, bitter, weary, vindictive, angry, and mentally exhausted woman who has an almost Bushian talent for dividing the world into friends and enemies. This might work well in political grandstanding, but such a Manichean view is not beneficial in city government. Here’s hoping that this is the last straw in the ongoing battle between Funkquitiro and reason.