Ink‘s ‘Hottest Reader’ Contest Ushers In New Era Of Kansas City Narcissism; City Smirks With Delight At Shameless Self-Promotion

ihearmagnumsgonnablowusallawayMy, my. Now they’ve gone and done it, eh? You may recall that Ink — the Star‘s only primary vehicle for connecting with The Kids — has tried for months now to establish itself as the publication for Kansas City’s young up-and-comers, would-be social butterflies, and aspiring amateur models. Not content with merely attracting those readers, though, Ink has decided to just flat-out showcase the “hottest readers” of said magazine. It’s brilliant! It’s like Harper’s coming out with a “Smartest Readers” issue! What results is a parade of, yes, (mostly) attractive people — but also a Ford-worthy assembly line of aggrandizement, self-promotion, flattery, and some of the most shameless immodesty this side of a Flavor of Love episode. Join us after the jump, if you dare.

Ink starts with, er, a bang, by making its first model one who… shall we say, is willing to put her best foot forward? Yes, please meet Amanda Johnson — who says “I am a blessed, Hispanic, family oriented, animal loving, occasionally moody (I’m a Cancer and it’s in my nature,) creative, outgoing, mature gal and a kid at heart.” That’s descriptor overload, Amanda Johnson!

But hey, that’s just one gal. Let’s meet some of the other self-proclaimed Good-Looking People. Here’s Adonja “Don” Pickett, who says “I’m Adonja Pickett (Don for short ).  I am 30 years old, I’m athletic (gym rat), and I’m sexy because of the way I am well dressed, and because of the way I’m built physique-wise.”

adonjadonpickett

Ah, yes, the way you’re “built physique-wise.” As opposed to the way you’re built… um, any other way-wise?

Of course, let’s not leave out Chris Hughes, who apparently borrowed his photo from a parody of a MySpace page:

chrishughes

Yes, lovely. We’re sure the “ROCK STAR” belt buckle drives the ladies wild.

But wait! Is there a modest man amidst the rabble? This is Gilbert Lopez, who takes a page from Monet’s playbook:

gilbertlopez

How can we vote for you, Gilbert, if your photo depicts you approaching from 15 meters away?

Could be worse, though. You could be Kylie Ritchey, who seems to be suggesting that if you vote for her, she might consider lifting that shirt a little higher…

kylieritchey

Seriously? Who on earth has a photo of herself like that? Do department store photo centers even allow such poses?

Let’s see… who else is there? Wait… wait… could it be?!? NOOOOO!!! It’s professional unfunny person and rape joke aficionado Michael Gomez!

theleastfunnypersonintheworld

Okay, I’m guessing he has some terribly unfunny comment about being good-looking: “Have I been told I’m extremely sexy and hot? Yes. Was it from a call girl I was paying $200 an hour. Ok… let’s not split hairs here.”

You, sir, are a threat to the future of comedy.

There’s also Token Faux-Modesty Guy (Patrick Doherty), who says I am hot because all the girls at my high school said that I am. It seems that all the women are after me and said that I am great looking. And let’s not forget Girl Who Misspeaks Amanda Griffin, who says I worked my ass of in college to land my dream job … and I did exactly that two weeks after I graduated. Motivation and drive make me hot, literally. Wait, so… motivation and drive make you desire air conditioning?

All in all: a fine job, Ink readers. You’ve given us 33 outstanding candidates for the title of Hottest Reader. Who will ultimately gain the crown? Who shall prevail as the twentysomething most pleasing to the eyes? And perhaps most crucially, what will that person do for the plight of Kansas City’s ugly citizens? For too long have these worlds drifted apart — only Ink can rectify this.

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3 Comments

Filed under ink, Media

3 responses to “Ink‘s ‘Hottest Reader’ Contest Ushers In New Era Of Kansas City Narcissism; City Smirks With Delight At Shameless Self-Promotion

  1. saw that yesterday, I guess the fame of hotornot won’t let them rest

  2. gd

    wait, was the quote from the wannabe comedian what he really said? if so, pathetic!

  3. good stuff — I posted something about it at an eerily similar hour. However, your blow-by-blow analysis leaves my “news release” in the dust. I’m sure we can all agree though, this was a new high among local media lowpoints. Keep the bovine comedy flowing.

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