KMBC Kidnaps Alonzo Washington, Forces Him To Recite Sharptonian Rhymes

pleasehelpfreealonzofromkmbcsclutchesIf we are to believe this photo on KMBC’s web site, then local activist and professional friend of the camera Alonzo Washington is being held captive by the dastardly Larry Moore and Co. (The picture looks to be webcam-esque, but credit goes to KMBC’s Peggy Breit.) Either way, we can all rest assured that Alonzo is working hard to mobilize the communi — wait, is that a Ms. Pac-Man machine back there? Guess all the murders have been solved, then? Not to be deterred by the lure of the arcade game, Alonzo gave a typically lyrical interview to channel 9 — nice of him to break out the dressy black… um, undershirt for the occasion — in which he asked the lazy citizens of Kansas City to get up and talk already!

“If you pray, and then you don’t have enough faith to pick up the phone and call in a tip when you saw somebody gunned down — a person, a child, you know — it’s not going to work,” Washington told KMBC’s Martin Augustine. “Give us some information, that’s what time it is. It’s time to talk.”

“If we don’t talk, criminals walk,” Washington added.

Washington then added “If we just play, criminals don’t pay. And if we don’t harmonize, then criminals euthanize. And we can’t defeat Bowser without Funkhouser. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some Ms. Pac-Man to play.”

By the way, here’s how you can help stop crime in KC: If you have information about a crime in Kansas City, you can leave a tip with Alonzo Washington at his MySpace page, or you can e-mail him at Yes, both of those options just scream professionalism. Pinkerton would be proud.

Incidentally, if you haven’t read Washington’s obviously self-penned bio at, then you haven’t lived. Best part: He came from the future, where there was no racism, drugs, ghettos, or crime. Omega Man battled such foes as the evil Kuhl and Skulgorians, and an Aryan-supremacist army. Because he was sent to the present on a mission to save the future, Omega Man had to be careful about affecting world events.

Be vigilant, criminals of Kansas City.



Filed under City Government, Crime, Law, Media

2 responses to “KMBC Kidnaps Alonzo Washington, Forces Him To Recite Sharptonian Rhymes

  1. gd

    I take back every complaint I ever made here. This is hilarious ……. and true!

  2. Randy

    Hey, the guys gave you a helluva plug for your original Alonzo story. He is laughable in his self-serving media whoring.
    By the way, crime is skyrocketing in KC. Where is our Super Media Comic Book Man when we need him?

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