Alonzo Washington Wages Lonely War On The Bovine Comedy, English Usage Rules

alonzoscharadesclueIt’s been quite a saga over the last few days, as a tiny fraction of the city has been cursed treated with the clash of the titans known as Washington v. Anonymous Twentysomethings. We started the whole fracas, we’ll admit, with a little comedic piece about Alonzo being held hostage by septuagenarian favorite KMBC. Alonzo struck back with a blog entry on MySpace — and now the man himself has composed another entry about our lack of understanding when it comes to… muscle shirts? And man, does he play it fast and loose with the King’s English. What follows is a verbatim transcript of A-Dub’s blog, complete with editing notes. Oh, and that’s his photo of him — playing charades, we assume. Gun show! Right?

KC,

The thing I like about being into the blogger scene is that it allows me to play around. As a activist (really? You know the vowel rule, right?) I see & (questionable ampersand usage; this isn’t Wheel of Fortune) hear about all kinds of bad things.  So, on this blog I keep it kind of light to gain attend (huh?) from people who would never watch me on the news.  This Myspace, Twitter, Youtube & Godtube  thang (this isn’t a Snoop Dogg song, sir) has really worked for me. However, it does get me into a lot of fights with local blogger (non-count noun?). I look at it as fun.  Some say mean things about me.  However, when they put me in their blogs it just helps me (not so sure).  Now, this blogger says I need to get rid of my tank tops (false — we just requested the occasional deployment of an arm-covering garment).  I play them (is that what The Kids say?) a lot in the summer.  It’s hot in this hell hole we call KC.  All I can say is that a tank top go’s (oh, lord) a long way. I am a old (you mean “an”?) guy & I am happy I am still in shape.  I am very surpised (SpellCheck is pretty simple, really) at the response I get from ladies of all races & ages when I wear one. They tend to touch me a lot. (Awk-waaaard.) They smile at me & pay me homage. (You’re not Louis XIV, mon frere.) I am a married man & I down with my wifey (uh, what?). However, all old guys are happy to know that the ladies still check them out.  Although, (terrible comma placement) I wear tanks only to beat the heat. I also think this blogger should give me a break. I wear a lot of suits & leather jackets in my interviews also (leather jackets? Is it for a Harley-Davidson Channel interview?).  Reading what bloggers say about me makes me laugh. (Likewise.) It always trips me out to hear how people see me. I am really just a shy (hmm?) guy trying to fight the good fight in this hell hole & I am keeping my tank tops. Read this.

Peace,
Alonzo Washington

We already knew that Alonzo Washington’s title was “Forever Foe Of Injustice/Crimefighter” — but who knew that it also included “Dedicated Opponent Of All Syntax And Grammar Rules”? We share your opposition to senseless murder, A-Dub, but is it so hard to follow Strunk & White’s (note the correct ampersand usage) little guidelines? We’d say no.

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1 Comment

Filed under Crime, Grammar, Media, Oddities

One response to “Alonzo Washington Wages Lonely War On The Bovine Comedy, English Usage Rules

  1. gd

    shit, and ladies touch him a lot? Wow. Wow. Wow.

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