What other excuse could there be? In the latest chapter of our ongoing e-war with local crimefighter and muscle shirt enthusiast Alonzo Washington, the MySpace blogger extraordinaire has obviously outsourced his ranting to Mumbai or some other bastion of cheap labor. Call it deductive reasoning, but we simply refuse to believe that a speaker of our mother tongue could assemble a group of words and clauses that is so bad, and so riddled with errors. It starts with the headline: Man, all the bloggers want 2 dog me out! It goes on in typical Washingtonian fashion, with particular gems in bold:
Someone let me know that the bottomline comunications blog did a blog about me and another blog. It was all designed to make me look bad. I realy like it when the cover me because it makes me more known in the city. I just wonder why I have so many haters. I guess I am a Black Man on TV and I am not a criminal. That most likely makes most of the communities in the burbs upset. Plus, these bloogers (!) like to get off into the grammer of this Myspace blog. This is a uncoventional approach to getting tips about crime in this hell hole we call Kansas City. The biggest thing is that it works. I don’t get paid for it and write in my sleep. It not supposed to be perfect. It’s suppose be different to reach a certain group of people who would never talk to the Po Po. Whit I notice is that most of these bloggers have bad things to say without cuvering the truth. This blog solved a murder case of a marine, It obtained information about the Renee Pernice case & it gets countless tips. The fact that I am cool, Black and in the press makes them down play hwhat I have done in this city. I am the reason the Precious Doe case went national and I solved the case. The blogger would rather find away to play down my efforts when all of them know none of them will ever do anything as great as I have done. There are no other activist in this town Black or White who has had as much success with their activism as me. None of them can tell you that the have done what the set out to do. I know I solve crimes, get tips & bring attention to local crimes. That’s just a fact. I like the bloggers talking about me. However, I know that the really want to down play how great I am & how good I am at what I do. Read this.
Look homeward Alonzo now, and melt with ruth/And O ye crimefighters, waft the hapless youth. Truly inspiring, provided you’re looking for inspiration to corrupt a language. (Though we have to admit it’s kind of awesome being called “bloogers.”) But wait… could there possibly be more?!? Yup.
The headline for this one is even better: Bloggers poke fun @ me making fun of their attacks on me. Uh… anyone want to diagram that sentence?
I like to joke around with the bloggers online. I say things on purpose to make them write more blogs. They are doing just what I want them to do. Make me more known. I posted a tongue & cheek blog about being attacked on the blogs & the bloggers posted a response. Keep in mind I have no clue to who these people are. I know I am a target. Mention my name on your blog and you will get countless hits. So, me & these bloggers are set up to do this forever. Thanks for the hype. Read this following blog. It’s kind of funny. In a dry, burby & square way. Check it.
Ah, so we’re playing right into his hands! I suppose we should have known he was writing in a “tongue & cheek” manner. I can assure you, sir, that you are no target of ours. (Lex Luthor is a different story.) I can further assure you that mentioning your name has not garnered us “countless hits.” And — ahem — “dry, burby & square”? Lacking a proclivity for muscle shirts does not necessarily make one “burby.” Now, we may like a good meal at a chain restaurant once in a while, but that hardly guarantees square-ness.
In the final analysis, Alonzo Washington is a crimefighter — he’s fighting the scourge of sensible English usage.