Fox 4 Offers Advice On How To Stop Worrying And Love The Living Dead

thrillerIt’s not enough to worry about terrorists potentially moving in the neighborhood, now we should concern ourselves with the living dead?

Could Mankind Survive a Zombie Attack?

It’s a question that many people, typically after a drink or two, have asked themselves, and now some scientists in Canada say that they have found an answer but it may not be the one we want to hear.

Could civilization survive an attack by zombies?

Uh…this is Fox 4, local news outlet, correct? Have we gotten this mixed up with Fangoria‘s Web site?

Yes, they’re serious, and, alarmingly, the answer is no, unless zombies are dealt with quickly and aggressively, according to researchers with the Universities of Ottawa and Carleton in Canada, who published the paper in a book dealing with the spread of infectious disease, the BBC reported on Tuesday.

In movie and video game lore, zombies can infect the living through a bite. The premise of the study may seem silly, but researchers say that the intent of the report is a serious look at how an infectious disease can quickly overtake a population.

“We introduce a basic model for zombie infection and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions,” Professor Robert Smith? told the BBC. According to the school’s website, Smith uses the question mark in his name to differentiate himself from rock singer Robert Smith of the band The Cure.

That last paragraph may be the singularly best group of phrases in the history of writing.

The professor inserted a question mark into his name? He’s Ron Burgundy? And why would you want to distinguish yourself from The Cure’s R. Smith? What better job can there be than rocker/zombie scholar?

In zombie ‘biology,’ the only way to kill a zombie is to decapitate or destroy their brain.

Seriously, can you imagine what the grant application for this study must have looked like?

According to their scientific paper, the authors conclude that humanity’s only hope is to “hit them [the undead] hard and hit them often”, adding that “It’s imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else… we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

Yes, so forgot those antiquated Zombie Preparation techniques that you learned in school – covering your head under your desk and stopping, dropping and rolling will have no effect upon the flesh-hungry reanimates. You have to bust them suckers in the noggin — thus sayeth the men of science!

Fox 4 even provides a poll to gauge how we locals would deal with the hypothetical zombie menace:

zombiepoll

Despite traditional cinematic depictions of zombies, the Creatures Formerly Known as Humans are much more wily than the living give them credit for. Their global invasion will no doubt take a more insidious and subtle approach. Why, they’ve already infiltrated the Filipino prison system!

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Filed under Health, In the News, Oddities, Science, Strange news

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