Chaplin-esque Independence Dramaturgy Grows Increasingly Strange

theproblemsinindependenceYou really have to hand it to the citizens of Methdependence: just when you think they’ve hit the limits of inanity, they manage to keep raising the bar. Perhaps you’ve been following the story of the unfortunate soul who attempted to knock off a Funfresh and got a bullet for her troubles? Well, the Star‘s recap (by the awesomely named Robert Cronkleton, whose dinosaurian appellation leads the paper’s herd) provides an excellent rundown of events. Seems Loucinda M. Carroll, who now bears the hilarious sobriquet of “suspected meat thief,” wasn’t counting on a) the eagle-eyed store manager jumping on her car, or b) the ghost of Charlton Heston arriving for corporeal revenge.

The manager followed the suspect to her car and started writing down the license plate number. The suspect started the car and drove toward the manager, striking her. The manager fell onto the car’s hood and held on as the suspect accelerated through the parking lot toward an exit onto Sterling Avenue.

Hearing screams for help and seeing the manager clinging to the car’s hood, the bystander blocked the exit with his vehicle. He approached the suspect and told her to get out of her car.

The woman tried to drive around his vehicle. The bystander, who told police he feared for his life and the life of the manager, pulled out a 9mm handgun and yelled again for her to stop. He then fired through the driver’s side window, striking the suspect in the left shoulder and neck.

All this for a bag of meat? Recessionomics, indeed. Here’s a relevant question: which synapses have to fire to convince you that adding vehicular assault to petty robbery is a wise idea? Furthermore, what’s with the John Waynian bystander — who, totally unsurprisingly, is from Utah — packing heat like he’s Meyer Lansky? We’re all for private gun ownership and everything, but are people really carrying at the grocery store? Naivete becomes us, it appears.

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