Category Archives: Animals

Treehuggers Checkmate Hunters In Bizarre, Awesome Act Of Melodrama

perhapshowjasongotthedeersheadFor some time we’ve been following the little flap over deer-eradication in Shawnee Mission Park, where the ungulates have outgrown their suburban constraints and are bothering pretty much everyone. Both sides have been a little careless with their rhetoric, with the pro-death crowd hiring a squad of weekend warrior mercenaries, and the pro-deer crowd erecting billboards to persuade passersby that Bambi should live. But that was all child’s play — because a man named Jason Miller has trumped anything and everything with one act of perplexing, amazing, gutsy defiance. He took it to a Lord of the Flies level, and now we say: game, set, match.

Yes, it’s the severed head of a deer.

Jason Miller, an animal rights activist, got the deer head from a meat processor and brought it to Shawnee Mission Park today.

He wanted to graphically demonstate what is about to happen to 75 percent of a herd of deer in Shawnee Mission Park that is estimated to be about 700.

Oh, sweet lord. Who goes to a meat processor and asks for a deer’s head? And who places said head in a basket and leaves it for officials? Insanity, thy name is Jason Miller. But it gets so much better.

Miller referred to the deer head as Victoria and said that if the “planned slaughter” goes forward, “I (Victoria) will be the future face of Shawnee Mission Park, which would in turn come to be known as Death Park.”

Um. You f’ing named it? You… you do realize it’s just a severed head, right? And not an actual living creature? We do like the part about “Death Park,” though. Kind of catchy, and it would probably clear out the jogging trails a bit. The bottom line here, though, is a) environmentalists know no dramatic bounds, and b) Jason Miller’s mind works in odd ways.

Your move, park officials.


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Filed under Animals, City Government, Oddities, Science, The Arts

Invasive Feline Terrorizes Parkville

hahathatsnotarealbobcatthatsanactorIt’s been nearly a year since the Great Bobcat Invasion of 2008, but it appears these dastardly felines have no intention of slowing their march through the metro area. The latest target of these purring menaces is the sleepy bedroom community of Parkville, where a bobcat — you may know it as the owner of the most indisputably awesome scientific name in the animal kingdom: Lynx rufus — is hiding behind woodpiles and, sadly, killing small dogs.

“It will attack the animal at night, run with it, you can hear it screaming — it’s rather graphic, so, I’m ready to get rid of it,” Shalz told KMBC’s Maria Antonia…

“I’ve seen the cat multiple times in front of my house. My neighbors have seen the cat,” Shalz said.One dog owner said her Pomeranian was killed by a bobcat.

“The neighbor’s pet was killed, took it to vet — said bite marks were a bobcat’s bite marks,” Shalz said. “I’d like homeowners to know that it is here and to watch their animals.”

That’s a lot of dash usage for one interview, KMBC. Either way, this four-legged Dillinger must be stopped. Sure, today it’s toy dogs. But tomorrow it could be you! Let’s get on this, Department of Conservation. Here’s the video, so that you may be terrified.

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Filed under Animals, Crime

Raymore Felicide Draws Wrath Of Star Readers With Keyboards, Spare Time

nothappywiththeraymorepolicecatkillingUh-oh. If there’s one constituency you want to leave very well alone, it’s people who may potentially write letters to the editor of the local paper of record. Trust us: you never know what these people are going to say. They might announce a run for Congress — which never did go anywhere, Joyce Howard; harumph — or fail miserably in exegesis. Best to just avoid them entirely. Isn’t it a shame, then, that the overlords of the Raymore Police Department have gone and earned the ire of said readers in the wake of that pesky cat-killin’ episode. Tremble in your boots!

The police chief and every last one of his officers should be assigned to community service hours at area shelters, rescue operations and no-kill shelters. Maybe an hour or two on the floor soothing a feral cat that has just been spayed or neutered at one of the city’s low-cost or no-cost spay and neuter clinics would help them to understand the difference.

Candyce Kuebler

Whew! I’m sure glad I don’t have to be afraid of the deaf, declawed old cats when I go to Raymore. I know the police are right on top of things.

The holiday weekend was no excuse to shoot the cat. Someone could have taken it home until they found the owner. I can’t imagine how scared the poor cat must have been.

Shame on the Raymore Police Department.
Sharon Sheets

Oh, man. Fierce, matronly condemnations AND the keen deployment of sarcasm as critical tool? Kind of makes you wonder if the RPD folks regret getting out of bed today. Speaking of Star letters, by the way: does this second one seem vaguely threatening to you? And do you get the feeling that “Sam McDaniel–Independence”‘s tea party threats are pretty much hollow, and that he’s already turned his attention back to Glenn Beck and a can of Old Style?


Filed under Animals, City Government, Crime, Media

Dastardly Canine Thieves Strike Local Dog Treat Company

thievesatlocaldogtreatcompanyHave you no shame, local four-legged friends? We know that things are tough In This Economy, but knocking over a KCK dog treat manufacturer is just inexcusable. Or perhaps one of your human sympathizers did this for you? Seems a local delivery driver at Blackman Industries has fled, along with $3,000 (!) in dog treats. You know what that’s worth on the street?!? Probably, uh, a lot less.

The inventory was that much short on the deliveries then, Farbman said, and he can’t say for sure how much of the missing goods are Greenie treats, rawhide toys or pig ears, he said.

“I think it’s a little bit of everything,” he said.

In some cases the perpetrator submitted invoices to businesses, got paid in cash and dumped the invoices, Farbman said, and in other cases just took the goods…

The Greenies go for about $25 a pound, with a large pack selling for $19.99, he said, and some people would have jumped at the chance to buy them for half price.

All due respect to Stewart (Carl?) Farbman, but we think perhaps he’s greatly overestimating the black market for dog treats. In any event, we demand justice. Let’s get the KCKPD to stake out local Petco and PetSmart locations — just look for the man selling, um, pig ears from a trunk parked in back. And let’s keep a close eye out for this suspicious-looking man-dog.

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Filed under Animals, Crime, Local Business, Strange news

Bambi’s Defenders Raise Bar In Shawnee Mission Park Rhetoric Fight

whatwillsoonbedyingatshawneemissionparkRemember that little flap a few months back over the potential deer slaughter in Shawnee Mission Park? Apparently the antler’d creatures are overrunning the place (even more so than groping joggers!), and so the authorities authorized a bunch of weekend warriors to come, er, take care of things. But wait! Don’t count out the nature-lovers just yet — they’ve pooled money from their Sierra Club donations and Nation subscriptions and have paid to erect a billboard condemning the inevitable killing. And they’re not being melodramatic at all, we assure you.

Opponents of the shootings have recently put up a billboard in downtown Kansas City, Mo., to protest them. The billboard reads, “Don’t let your tax dollars become blood money.”…

“What you’re about to do, gentlemen, is unholy and ungodly,” Shawnee resident Vicki Needham said at the July meeting.

Yeah, that’s not overstating the case. Not one bit. But if you fall squarely on the side of those brave men who sit in deer blinds and wait for the creatures to walk by — so sporting! — don’t fret: people on your side are here to help with totally lucid and clear statements. Or, you know, this:

“Things like bloodlust and ineffective are just not true,” Shawnee resident Michael Eagan said at a July parks board meeting.

Oh. Now we see. Sorry, armchair environmentalists. Looks like this purge will not be derailed. Time to get back to watching PBS and lauding Cindy Sheehan.

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Filed under Animals, City Government, Crime, Real Estate, Sports

Raymore Felicide Leads To Odd Questions, Awkward Family Poses

thefamilyoftobeythelatecatSome uncomfortable news out of Raymore this morning, as the Star details in the scandalous story o’ the day. Seems there’s been a bit of police brutality — directed at a 19-year-old housecat — and the incident is leading to all sorts of discomfiting questions, like “What is this ‘Raymore’ of which you speak?” I guess it’s someplace south of town, or something. Maybe north. No idea, really. What we do know is that it was the site of a gangland, execution-style killing that pretty much ruined the Labor Day of Kelly Wesner (pictured above, gazing into the heavens at sunset) and her daughter — no, really — Hayley Schmuck. From the paper of record’s account:

Somehow, Tobey had gotten out of the house Monday and wandered down the street and into a neighbor’s garage, said Wesner, who owned the cat for 18 years.

An adult at that house sprayed Tobey with a garden hose to get him to leave, according to city reports on the incident.

Officers captured Tobey with a “catch pole.” A supervisor told the officer to take Tobey, who wore no tag, to a remote area and “put him down,” a police report said…

A police officer would take Tobey into a field and shoot him twice in the head. He then put the body in a plastic grocery bag and disposed of it in a city trash bin.

Um. Excuse me? Is this how we deal with rabid cats these days? With Sopranos-style hits carried out in empty fields? When did Uncle Junior start running the Raymore PD? Anyway, as you can imagine, the clan in question was not pleased when it received news of the happenings. And does this sound like a threatening cat?

Tobey wasn’t vicious, Wesner said. He was declawed, deaf, weighed only 6 pounds and had his own prescription drug card at Walgreens.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: cats can have prescription drug cards? Apparently, yes. Further complicating the tale is the fact that the body was simply thrown away instead of being examined or tested. So, Raymore PD: what are you hiding, sirs? Perhaps you’re running some illicit drug-smuggling ring using cats, and Tobey learned a little too much? Your city, wherever it is, demands answers!


Filed under Animals, City Government, Crime, Family Life, Law

It’s Official: Gusewelle Only Writing Columns For Animal World

cwgusewellestargetaudienceIt’s been a long, slow descent from greatness mediocrity into plain ol’ ramblin’ for Star columnist and purple prose aficionado C.W. Gusewelle, but things seem to have finally bottomed out. While he once quite sensibly geared his columns toward the humans who would be reading them, C-dub now appears to have made a fundamental shift in his approach: he now writes purely for animals. Witness just a few of his recent columns, if you will: there’s “Cat a dear friend but for doors“; there’s “As bunny grows, so does his courage“; and there’s “Neighbors rally to save ducks from disaster.” (And let’s not forget that this all comes on the heels of his Brittany Spaniel brouhaha.) So what kind of essential information is C-dub providing in these columns?

Our orange cat, Mickey, is the dearest kind of friend. But the friendship, like any other, is not without certain trials.

I do not mind waking in the night to find him asleep with his head on the pillow between us. I do rather object to his desire to join us at the table — not just at it, on it — while we eat.


We suppose it could be worse, though: C-dub could be writing about waiting while his wife shops or something. Now that would be a really bor — wait, what? Oh… oh, no.

Just inside the store’s entrance was a row of chairs, backs against the window and facing into the maelstrom. All the chairs were occupied by men — men wearing expressions of despair and betrayal. And I joined them.

Time passed. Much time. The wife of one of the men appeared with her armload of plunder, and they exited. The others of us were bitter with envy.

Is “death by boring column” a recognized means of expiration?

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Filed under Animals, Media