Category Archives: Funkhouser

‘You Want This Emaciated Prisoner Back? Meet My Demands, Then. That’s Right — All The Shoes…’

funkbeingheldprisonerbygloria

Here, courtesy of Mayor Funkhouser’s all-too-public Facebook page, we can see that Ms. Squitiro has decided to take drastic action: holding her husband hostage in a poorly lit City Hall basement. We can only imagine what she’s thinking: “What do you think of your volunteer ordinance now, Council?”

Leave a comment

Filed under City Government, Funkhouser

Mayor: ‘Sure He’s Unqualified, But Look How Cool He Is!’

starreplacementimagethanksalotbastardsThe Tax Increment Financing Commission, whether you agree with the underlying principles or not, performs some awfully influential work in Kansas City. And it’s probably essential, in keeping with that spirit, to stock the board with stodgy local stuffed-shirts who will maintain the status quo and keep your tax money harnessed behind safe developments. Or at least that was the plan, until super-fly Mayor Mark Funkhouser came along and decided to rattle the cage by appointing “Stretch” — whose real appellation is the decidedly unhip “Jeff Rumaner” — a local artist and pot-stirrer, to the board. Cue the offended powers-that-be:

His nomination has raised concern among others, too, including City Councilwoman Jan Marcason. She visited Stretch a week ago at his studio at 1701 Troost Ave. and came away with doubts about his commitment to the city’s minority hiring practices.

Marcason said she had to explain to him that the terms MBE and WBE meant “minority business enterprise” and “ women’s business enterprise” and that the city set goals for each in awarding public contracts…

Councilman Ed Ford calls her report “alarming.”

Well, look at you, Jan Marcason, with your fancy initializations (not acronyms, as the story later insists) and in-the-know lingo! What, you think the hip artist is going to know what development terms mean, given that he’s a business owner in a thriving… urban… area… oh, I see. He should know what they mean. Luckily, “Stretch” is here to respond with a calm, reasoned rebuttal.

“When people tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about, like Jan Marcason, it really kind of pissed me off,” Stretch said.

Great. Anyone else get the feeling that at this point Mayor Funkquitiro is just doing things for shock value? Instead of picking the best choice for the board, he probably thought “Ah, here’s a pick that will put a thumb in the eye of the Volunteer Ordinance Brigade. And with those tattoos, he just has to be a cool guy!”

Leave a comment

Filed under City Government, Funkhouser, Politics, The Arts

Shameless Kansans Steal Money-Losing Project From Bankrupt KCMO

wycostealingthewizardsfromkcmoWell, score another one for the Sunflower State. Looks like those dastardly rogues in charge of the cesspool that is Wyandotte County thought it appropriate to swoop in and snatch the Kansas City Wizards stadium deal from the hands of the groveling KCMO taxpayers and city officials. And just when the project was going so… well? In an article entitled “Wizards stadium kicked over the state line to Wyandotte County” — ah, yes, I see what you did there — the Star‘s Kevin Collison details just how this highway robbery occurred. Imagine the nerve: wanting to put a sports stadium in the middle of a burgeoning development that’s actually making money, instead of a pie-in-the-sky plan to build a stadium where nothing else succeeds! It’s ludicrous.

The developer working for OnGoal LLC, the owner of the Kansas City Wizards, has prepared a stadium plan for a site owned by Nebraska Furniture Mart. The developer is asking state and county officials to use revenues from the existing sales tax revenue bonds, also known as STAR bonds, issued for the Village West retail district to help finance the project.

To sweeten its proposal, OnGoal, whose ownership group includes Neal Patterson and Cliff Illig, co-founders of Cerner, has included a 600,000-square-foot office project that Wyandotte County officials confirmed would house new Cerner employees.

Fear not, citizens of the MO side! Surely there is a tall, bearded crusader who shall fight to the death to retain what has long been rightfully ours… right?

Mayor Mark Funkhouser said the city had been working to do whatever it could to keep the development, but that STAR bonds presented a formidable competition.

“We have put together a very aggressive package,” the mayor said. “I would very much like to keep the development here, but not at any price.”

Oh, so… not so much. Fine, then. Take the team, WyCo. But just see how the team likes living amidst the poverty and boredom and strip mall megalopolis you offer. Eventually, the Wizards will come crawling back to us — and we’ll still be able to offer them the Bannister site, because what the hell else are we going to use it for?

1 Comment

Filed under Crime, Economics, Funkhouser, Sports

The Caption? Saddest. Photo. Ever.

saddestcommentaryimaginable

So what’s the saddest thing about this picture from yesterday’s health care reform meeting at Children’s Mercy? Is it a) the fact that our city’s mayor couldn’t even get a front row seat, b) that you just know he’s making a lame joke about who he is, c) the total collapse in his relevance, or d) the idea that a woman could possibly find that white cowboy hat attractive and/or appropriate for a forum with U.S. Senators?

2 Comments

Filed under Funkhouser, Health, Politics

Mark and Gloria Buy Themselves A Whole New Woooorld…

funkandgloriaonthenewcarpetProfessional litigant and occasional mayor Mark Funkhouser has finished remodeling his office — you may recall it was damaged by the trodding of bare feet rain — and the cost is… well, it’s a lot. Now, the 70 large figure may jump off the page as the very definition of extraneous costs, but bear in mind some of it was basic upkeep and maintenance. However: the Persian rug? Bought from out of state? For 8 grand? Really? You can’t find something decent at NFM for a couple hundred bucks? Here’s the complete list, courtesy of the non-blinking Russ Ptacek:

$8,000 Antique Kashan Persian Rug 13’ x 16’

$9,750.00 Custom stained walnut flooring

$1,287.99 Sofa 3 Seat

$3,082.59 7 Guest Chairs

$811.24 Lounge Chair

$498.68 Ottoman

$146.25 Yards Cappuccino Fabric

$60.00 Desk Lamp

$245.00 Floor Lamp

$648.00 2 French Gate Lamps

$652.08 2 End Tables

$40,000 Ceiling Repair

$2,495.00 Furniture Refinishing

$2,500 Removal of old carpet/clean up

$70,177 Estimated Costs Total

French gate lamps? A $500 ottoman? Look, we understand that there’s a certain amount of decorum that accompanies a chief executive’s office, but must our culture’s execs always buy such expensive stuff? The rest of us shop at Target — can’t these guys do it, too? Might be a nice way to avoid spending controversies, eh?

Leave a comment

Filed under City Government, Economics, Funkhouser

Funkhouser Looks To Sport-Themed ‘Dungeons & Dragons’ Wagering As Potential Solution To Public Funding

jesus-footballGoverning, schmoverning:

Funkhouser, other mayors to be in charity fantasy football league with $15,000 prize

Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser and the mayors of 10 other cities will compete in a fantasy football league that could mean $30,000 for the Police Athletic League. The champion of the Yahoo!-sponsored mayoral face-off will receive $15,000 for a non-profit sports program. Funkhouser chose the Police Athletic League.

Unfortunately, Funkhouser got off to a rocky start when he chose a member of the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps as an offensive lineman. Wrong kind of defense skills, chief. In addition, he tasked city planners with developing a new fantasy football stadium to be funded by the fantasy taxpayers through a fantasy hotel and rental car fee.

It’s nice that the money goes to charity and all, and we’re really not going to begrudge the mayor his enjoyment of a harmless piece of leisure, but couldn’t he, you know, appoint someone else to handle this?  Or form an Ad Hoc Committee For Pretend Sports? It could meet at the same time the Task Force for Computer Solitaire gathers.

That reminds us…when do the fantasy local government elections begin?

3 Comments

Filed under City Government, Entertainment, Funkhouser, In the News, Sports, Strange news

Not Even Remotely Better Than The Real Thing

twins

Star columnist and nemesis of Tony’s Kansas City Mary Sanchez was apparently watching the latest BlackBerry commercial while writing her latest column, as she makes a rather strained comparison between Mayor Funkhouser and U2’s Bono. Talk about comparing apples to…uh…some sort of Irish fruit that wears sunglasses…

What might the gangly Bono still bring to KC?

Here he comes, our mayor, the gangly Bono of Kansas City.

Uh…what? Out of all the musicianhyphensocialactivists out there, she compares our politically awkward, stubborn, stand-offish mayor with the U2 frontman, who has proved himself a savvy, versatile player in global politics and philanthrophic causes? Clearly, cut from the same cloth, they are. Hey, you know who else Funk is like? Sinatra! Because he’s governing HIS way! Or Lindsey Buckingham, Going His Own Way! And he’s like the band Edison Lighthouse, because His Love Grows Where his Gloria Goes!

It should be no surprise that Mark Funkhouser rebuffed advisers’ suggestions to pull off a few quick-hit voter pleasers to boost his ratings.

“What’s the point?” he told Star reporters. “The things I want to do would change the direction of the city forever.”

Yeah, that’s like having your agent push you to put out a Greatest Hits album when you’re still writing some primo tunes! Except, um…does Funk have any chartbusters yet?

Just say “no” to political feel-goods. Like the efforts of U2’s Bono to bring world peace, Funkhouser envisions tackling only gargantuan issues.

Well, perhaps there are some parallels between the Funkhouser leadership style and the discography of Bono, Edge, et. al. Consider these U2 song titles and how they can be germane to the mayor’s misadventures:

  • With or Without You (his relationship with the City Council)
  • Vertigo (an apt description of the political sensations in City Hall)
  • Walk On (the Council tried telling that to G-Squit, only to have the ordinance overturned in court)
  • Running to Stand Still (a perfect metaphor for his administration, it seems)
  • Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of (the perpetual Mammygate saga)
  • Mysterious Ways (we can all agree that Funk’s reasoning is a mystery to most citizens)
  • Pride (In the Name of Love) (succinctly describes the Mayor’s commitment to his wife’s role in City Hall at the cost of real productivity)

Funkhouser’s tenure thus far has been no Joshua Tree. A more appropriate album metaphor would be calling the last few years the Pop of KC mayoral terms.

1 Comment

Filed under City Government, Entertainment, Funkhouser