When last we encountered our pal Jason Whitlock — the buffoonish, self-caricaturizing, painfully untalented Star columnist (and prominent oversharer) — he was offending just about every woman in America with a befuddling column-cum-personal ad that truly spanned the craziness spectrum. In it, he took on everything from tennis to his desired proportions for the backsides of local women. Now, though, Jason has returned to the subject he knows best: sports local rappers. In the new issue of Ink, KC’s sassiest weekly, Jason writes an astonishing 4,000 words (!) about something called “Krizz Kaliko,” who is apparently a local songster of note. Oh, come on — don’t pretend you’ve heard of him. Just listen to Jason’s deeply objective assessment of his new album:
A decade later, after performing alongside Tech N9ne as his sidekick for more than a thousand shows, singing hooks and rapping on more than a half-dozen Strange Music-produced CDs, the genius has unmasked himself.
On July 14, Krizz will nationally release his 18-track sophomore CD, Genius, which is being hailed as the most commercially viable and artistically eclectic album ever produced in Kansas City.
Oh, did I say “objective”? Sorry, I meant “obsequious.” But that’s nothing compared to the simply lovely opinions offered by experts in the thing called “rap”:
“This would make Dr. Dre nut on himself,” said legendary local club DJ Sean “Icy Rock” Raspberry after hearing the CD for the first time. “That’s just incredible, the production, the way he put the vocals together.”
“It’s impossible to have that much talent in one motherfucker,” said Tech N9ne, describing his musical soul mate.
Well, if there’s one thing we can count on “Icy Rock” and Tech Nine (I refuse to follow his subversive alphanumeric bastardization) to provide, it’s a classy endorsement of their colleague.
Other gems from Whitlock include mixed similies(“bought a $120,000 home for himself, his mom and sister in the Huxtable-like 63rd-and-Troost neighborhood known as The Citadel”), dull/faux-dramatic set-ups (“His friends told him to redirect his passion to another area. He turned to music.”), unbelievable misspellings (“Thunder and Lightening would take you there quick,” Krizz said.), and incredibly lazy analogizing (“He can be a Jamie Foxx-like balladeer.”)
How to put this nicely? Jason, you are not what is called “a good writer.” The biggest laugh, though, comes in a comment on the article from Violet Brown, who will yell at you until you purchase the album:
Jason Whitlock, your story is as good as the release. You have really captured the true & very REAL, KRIZZ KALIKO. You have written an AMAZING piece for an AMAZING artist. This is just one more feather in the cap of the NEW, TRUE #1 INDIE LABEL IN THE GAME, “STRANGE MUSIC”.
Actually this profile is really NOT AMAZING and only reveals JASON WHITLOCK as a truly PEDESTRIAN TALENT.