Tag Archives: KMBC

KMBC Kidnaps Alonzo Washington, Forces Him To Recite Sharptonian Rhymes

pleasehelpfreealonzofromkmbcsclutchesIf we are to believe this photo on KMBC’s web site, then local activist and professional friend of the camera Alonzo Washington is being held captive by the dastardly Larry Moore and Co. (The picture looks to be webcam-esque, but credit goes to KMBC’s Peggy Breit.) Either way, we can all rest assured that Alonzo is working hard to mobilize the communi — wait, is that a Ms. Pac-Man machine back there? Guess all the murders have been solved, then? Not to be deterred by the lure of the arcade game, Alonzo gave a typically lyrical interview to channel 9 — nice of him to break out the dressy black… um, undershirt for the occasion — in which he asked the lazy citizens of Kansas City to get up and talk already!

“If you pray, and then you don’t have enough faith to pick up the phone and call in a tip when you saw somebody gunned down — a person, a child, you know — it’s not going to work,” Washington told KMBC’s Martin Augustine. “Give us some information, that’s what time it is. It’s time to talk.”

“If we don’t talk, criminals walk,” Washington added.

Washington then added “If we just play, criminals don’t pay. And if we don’t harmonize, then criminals euthanize. And we can’t defeat Bowser without Funkhouser. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some Ms. Pac-Man to play.”

By the way, here’s how you can help stop crime in KC: If you have information about a crime in Kansas City, you can leave a tip with Alonzo Washington at his MySpace page, or you can e-mail him at omega7toys@aol.com. Yes, both of those options just scream professionalism. Pinkerton would be proud.

Incidentally, if you haven’t read Washington’s obviously self-penned bio at answers.com, then you haven’t lived. Best part: He came from the future, where there was no racism, drugs, ghettos, or crime. Omega Man battled such foes as the evil Kuhl and Skulgorians, and an Aryan-supremacist army. Because he was sent to the present on a mission to save the future, Omega Man had to be careful about affecting world events.

Be vigilant, criminals of Kansas City.



Filed under City Government, Crime, Law, Media

KMBC: Good With The Ignorant Pastors, Not So Good With The Spelling


It’s just wonderful that KMBC was able to pull off a good banner ad with the incredibly buffoonish John Hagee, but couldn’t nail down the spelling of everyone’s favorite room.

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Filed under Grammar, Media

More linguistic adventures with KMBC: doesn’t the station seem to be demeaning this woman’s actions with the sly quotation marks? It’s as if the message is “Yeah, sure you’ll be racing for the cure, Grandma.”

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Filed under Grammar

Fun with comma placement: exactly why is KMBC informing an Ohio city of a shooting in our town?

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Filed under Grammar

Larry Moore’s Gardening Tips: Top Priority For KMBC, Apparently

larrymooreunfortunatefruitplacementLarry Moore is a Kansas City icon. The avuncular newsman has been around the local media scene since 1916  — I’m estimating — and is beloved by many circles of society. He’s also, it turns out, a renowned gardener. Which we’re fine with, incidentally. If Larry wants to exercise his green thumb, more power to him. But what is one of Larry’s gardening tips doing on KMBC’s “Local News” list, sandwiched between “Assistant U.S. Attorney in Line For Top KC Job” and “State, ACORN Settle Voter Lawsuit,” and three full spots above the KCK murder story? Yes, there it is with a delightfully dramatic headline: “How To Cage Tomatoes In Your Garden.” Just wrassle ’em down, says Larry!

“Into a cylinder shape I fashion hog wire or concrete reinforcing wire. The cylinder should be about 2.5 feet in diameter. I set the cylindrical wire cage down over the tomato plant,” KMBC’s Larry Moore said. (note: quoting your anchor?)

“As the tomato plant grows, it will fill the wire cage. I don’t do any pruning or twisting off shoots, I just let it grow and wait for great-tasting tomatoes,” Moore said.

Are you… are you selling tomatoes, Larry? “Welcome to KMBC 9 News. Tonight: a breakthrough in the Mammygate case, and my vine-ripened half-pounders are just $4.99 a bag.”

By the way, Mother Nature: Larry will not stand for your aggression against his sprawling garden.


Filed under Food, Media