Tag Archives: Militant Grammarians of Kansas City

Alonzo Washington Hires Non-Native Speaker To Compose Latest Tirade Against Us

savingtheworldfromgoodgrammarWhat other excuse could there be? In the latest chapter of our ongoing e-war with local crimefighter and muscle shirt enthusiast Alonzo Washington, the MySpace blogger extraordinaire has obviously outsourced his ranting to Mumbai or some other bastion of cheap labor. Call it deductive reasoning, but we simply refuse to believe that a speaker of our mother tongue could assemble a group of words and clauses that is so bad, and so riddled with errors. It starts with the headline: Man, all the bloggers want 2 dog me out! It goes on in typical Washingtonian fashion, with particular gems in bold:

Someone  let me know that the bottomline comunications blog did a blog about me and another blog.  It was all designed to make me look bad. I realy like it when the cover me because it makes me more known in the city.  I just wonder why I have so many haters.  I guess I am a Black Man on TV and I am not a criminal.  That most likely makes most of the communities in the burbs upset. Plus, these bloogers (!) like to get off into the grammer of this Myspace blog.  This is a uncoventional approach to getting tips about crime in this hell hole we call Kansas City.  The biggest thing is that it works.  I don’t get paid for it and write in my sleep.  It not supposed to be perfect.  It’s suppose be different to reach a certain group of people who would never talk to the Po Po. Whit I notice is that most of these bloggers have bad things to say without cuvering the truth.  This blog solved a murder case of a marine, It obtained information about the Renee Pernice case & it gets countless tips.  The fact that I am cool, Black and in the press makes them down play hwhat I have done in this city.  I am the reason the Precious Doe case went national and I solved the case. The blogger would rather find away to play down my efforts when all of them know none of them will ever do anything as great as I have done. There are no other activist in this town Black or White who has had as much success with their activism as me.  None of them can tell you that the have done what the set out to do. I know I solve crimes, get tips & bring attention to local crimes.  That’s  just a fact.  I like the bloggers talking about me. However, I know that the really want to down play how great I am & how good I am at what I do.  Read this.

Look homeward Alonzo now, and melt with ruth/And O ye crimefighters, waft the hapless youth. Truly inspiring, provided you’re looking for inspiration to corrupt a language. (Though we have to admit it’s kind of awesome being called “bloogers.”) But wait… could there possibly be more?!? Yup. MORE

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Filed under Alonzo, Crime, Media, Technology

Alonzo Washington Wages Lonely War On The Bovine Comedy, English Usage Rules

alonzoscharadesclueIt’s been quite a saga over the last few days, as a tiny fraction of the city has been cursed treated with the clash of the titans known as Washington v. Anonymous Twentysomethings. We started the whole fracas, we’ll admit, with a little comedic piece about Alonzo being held hostage by septuagenarian favorite KMBC. Alonzo struck back with a blog entry on MySpace — and now the man himself has composed another entry about our lack of understanding when it comes to… muscle shirts? And man, does he play it fast and loose with the King’s English. What follows is a verbatim transcript of A-Dub’s blog, complete with editing notes. Oh, and that’s his photo of him — playing charades, we assume. Gun show! Right?

KC,

The thing I like about being into the blogger scene is that it allows me to play around. As a activist (really? You know the vowel rule, right?) I see & (questionable ampersand usage; this isn’t Wheel of Fortune) hear about all kinds of bad things.  So, on this blog I keep it kind of light to gain attend (huh?) from people who would never watch me on the news.  This Myspace, Twitter, Youtube & Godtube  thang (this isn’t a Snoop Dogg song, sir) has really worked for me. However, it does get me into a lot of fights with local blogger (non-count noun?). I look at it as fun.  Some say mean things about me.  However, when they put me in their blogs it just helps me (not so sure).  Now, this blogger says I need to get rid of my tank tops (false — we just requested the occasional deployment of an arm-covering garment).  I play them (is that what The Kids say?) a lot in the summer.  It’s hot in this hell hole we call KC.  All I can say is that a tank top go’s (oh, lord) a long way. I am a old (you mean “an”?) guy & I am happy I am still in shape.  I am very surpised (SpellCheck is pretty simple, really) at the response I get from ladies of all races & ages when I wear one. They tend to touch me a lot. (Awk-waaaard.) They smile at me & pay me homage. (You’re not Louis XIV, mon frere.) I am a married man & I down with my wifey (uh, what?). However, all old guys are happy to know that the ladies still check them out.  Although, (terrible comma placement) I wear tanks only to beat the heat. I also think this blogger should give me a break. I wear a lot of suits & leather jackets in my interviews also (leather jackets? Is it for a Harley-Davidson Channel interview?).  Reading what bloggers say about me makes me laugh. (Likewise.) It always trips me out to hear how people see me. I am really just a shy (hmm?) guy trying to fight the good fight in this hell hole & I am keeping my tank tops. Read this.

Peace,
Alonzo Washington

We already knew that Alonzo Washington’s title was “Forever Foe Of Injustice/Crimefighter” — but who knew that it also included “Dedicated Opponent Of All Syntax And Grammar Rules”? We share your opposition to senseless murder, A-Dub, but is it so hard to follow Strunk & White’s (note the correct ampersand usage) little guidelines? We’d say no.

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Filed under Crime, Grammar, Media, Oddities

KMBC: Good With The Ignorant Pastors, Not So Good With The Spelling

kmbcmisspellskitchen

It’s just wonderful that KMBC was able to pull off a good banner ad with the incredibly buffoonish John Hagee, but couldn’t nail down the spelling of everyone’s favorite room.

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Filed under Grammar, Media

Um… anyone else get the sense that the Star doesn’t know exactly what “vehemently” means?

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Filed under Grammar, Media