Cultural Anthropologist Jason Whitlock Finally Explains Street Culture To KC

Regular readers of this site know that we are no fans of Jason Whitlock, the Star‘s painfully unfunny sports race columnist. His commendable reporting skills have slipped in recent years, replaced by tired rants, pitiable reliance on allegedly hip slang, and odd digressions about the female body. But at long last, Jason has turned his sights to his true passion: explaining street culture to staid white people. Finally! The city has long awaited a professional anthropologist who could delve into the minds of black youth and plumb the depths of their upbringing, bringing shallow and pithy analysis to the pages of a once-great paper. And now Jason has his chance with the little donnybrook over in Lawrence. So prepare yourself, for Dr. Whitlock is about to begin.

Time To End The War Of Attrition Plaguing The Star‘s Letters Section

Dear Kansas City,
Look, we get it. A lot of you are upset. A third of you think that President Hope is running this country into the ground. A third of you think racism is driving any and all criticism of the administration. And a third of you pretty much don’t care, which makes you the worst portion of the pie chart. But for now, let’s focus on the yeas and the nays — those all-too-vocal citizens who are reenacting the Thrilla in Manila in the pages of the Star‘s Letters to the Editor section. Every day for about three months, there has been a letter either warning of a looming apocalypse or warning of the lunatics saying such things. Today’s letter, a rambling, illogical, and shrill missive, from Leawood’s Pam Zubeck is evidence that the debate has finally gone too far. Some samples of its low points:

It doesn’t take a talk show host to make reasonable, rational individuals realize there is something wrong with the way this country is being run today… News flash to the left: You don’t own the First Amendment… It seems to me the 9/12 protesters are the very people who are trying to save this republic… The “progressives” of 1776 gave their lives, fortunes and sacred honor so we can be free. The “progressives” of 2009 in no way resemble the “progressives” of the American Revolution… The 2009 progressives want enslavement to the government… Don’t call yourself a progressive and then say you’re in the same league with Washington, Jefferson, Adams and Franklin, because you’re not even close.

Well. I’m not sure I have the energy to point out exactly why Ms. Zubeck has deep-sixed reality so fervently, but perhaps a message to the respective sides will help us end at least one theater of this war: the Star‘s letters section. Because, you know, we need more room for stuff like this. Anyway, to the lecturing.

So What The Hell’s Going On In Lawrence These Days?

The talk of Kansas City this week, at least between the sports fans among us, is the very odd (and perhaps totally unsurprising) contretemps between gridiron athletes and hardwood athletes. The word among the local media is that tensions between the two squads are long-running but heretofore suppressed, or at least kept out of the spotlight. However, with the e-discussions of Tyshawn “point plankn” Taylor, the whole conflict has bubbled to the surface. The cause, shockingly? Ladies. Ah, men — have we ever fought over anything else? (Religion, I suppose. And oil.) In today’s Star, the elegantly named J. Brady McCollough manages to score some interviews with anonymous former athletes, who tell JBM that things were pretty much always thus.

“It’s always been a feud between basketball and football players,” said a recently graduated former KU football player who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s been an ongoing thing.”

A recently departed former KU basketball player had the same experience.

“It’s about who’s more popular on campus with the girls and stuff like that,” said the player, who also requested anonymity. “It’s escalated really bad now, but it’s always been there.”

So what are we to make of this? KU has an ascendant football program — cupcake opponents notwithstanding — but it’s not like the basketball program is slipping. Mount Oread has always been the traditional province of Naismith’s game and its players, but with an upstart, Mangino-led football program, it’s probably only natural that a turf war would erupt. But fights in public? Players being ushered into SUVs and whisked away? Emergency meetings with Self and Mangino? Pretty ridiculous, especially under the watchful eye of the even-keeled (and Uncle Festerian) Lew Perkins.

The local media is all atwitter over the event, and is chronicling the various local opinions. Can we expect suspensions in the matter? Elite athletic schools, of which KU is indisputably one, are loath to suspend the athletes who bring in the money, but in this case the pressure may come down from the new chancellor and old, rich donors who are sick of such juvenile behavior. Stay tuned, I guess.

Tyshawn Taylor Blows Old Media’s Mind With Bizarre Facebook Rants

If you’re a fan of KU basketball — and good god, you people are everywhere — then you already know that noted student-athlete Tyshawn Taylor got into a bit of a fracas yesternight in front of the Union. Alas, we suppose. The real story here, though, is Taylor’s preferred means for dealing with this situation — namely, by keeping the cyberworld updated on his opinions via grammatically and syntactically questionable Facebook updates.

“I got a dislocated finger ..from throwing a punch ..so don’t let the news paper gas yall up aite,” Taylor wrote.

Minutes earlier, around midnight, he wrote: “real (racial slur)s do real things .. point plankn.”

His earlier posts indicate there may have been escalating tension.

“keep my name out ya’ mouth for you get smacked in it,” he wrote at 11:12 a.m. Tuesday, and 30 minutes later he posted, “never get outta character .. I’m always a G about it.”

About 4 p.m., Taylor posted, “(racial slur)s be muggin me ..you know I’m mugging back.”

We hear that “always a G about it” was actually the rejected title for Billy Joel’s “She’s Always a Woman.” No word yet on what this will mean for Taylor’s future with the Self Crew, though you can see a suspension rounding the corner of Mass St.

Incidentally, “point plankn,” whatever the hell it means, is pretty much the new favorite phrase around the Bovine Comedy offices.

Men Of UMKC Totally Standin’ Up For Women, Bro

Perhaps you heard that yesterday was the “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” event across the country. That means, apparently, doing what you can to stop domestic violence and sexual assault and all those other awul things that degenerate males think are okay. The whole “walk a mile” thing, though? That’s kind of a metaphor, dating back to the age-old maxim. Oops: someone forgot to explain to the gentlemen of UMKC — the Harvard of Midtown — exactly how a metaphor operates. (And they’re probably pretty fuzzy on metonymy and synecdoche, too. ) The result? Perhaps the strangest fraternity initiation ever.

They say if you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, you’ll understand them better.

That’s what several hundred men did Tuesday night by walking in high-heeled shoes…

“If I can make a stand, a difference in the world, I’m down with that.”

Yeah, dude! We are also so down with that! Stopping violence against women is just off the hook — almost as awesome as The Blueprint 3.

Also included in the story was this little gem:

The event also encourages men to respect women, even if that respect is earned by wearing pumps.”

I just did it for 10 minutes. People who do it all day — that’s hard,” one walker said.

Uh… if we really cared about respecting women, wouldn’t we just stop perpetuating a system that makes them wear painfully uncomfortable, aesthetically preposterous shoes? Just sayin’.

Photo via KMBC. Please don’t sue us.

Star Gets Weekly Letter From Constitutionally Illiterate Conservative

Sheesh. This is getting to be a near-weekly occurrence: some metro area supporter of John Sidney McCain III, fed up with the government takeover orchestrated by that socialist Kenyan, pens a poorly reasoned and logically unsound letter to the editor of the Star, which dutifully prints the letter in the name of open debate. The only problem? The people firing off these missives do little more than reveal just a stunning lack of understanding about — well, about pretty much everything. This week the batter is Joe Neuner of Olathe, who probably needs to study how Con Law actually works.

Practically everything Obama has proposed or done thus far in his term as president could be challenged in a court of law as unconstitutional. This appears quite unseemly for a person who gratuitously describes himself as a constitutional lawyer.

For example, where in the Constitution does it allow a president to require anyone to purchase health insurance? Where does it allow him to take over publicly owned companies such as General Motors or Chrysler? Where is his authority to fire the CEO of GM? Where is his authority to appoint more than 30 “czars” who are accountable to no one but him? It goes on ad nauseam.

The folks marching on Washington were right. We need to rid ourselves of all of the watchdogs in Congress. Not one of them has made a peep. Throw all of the bums out. Getting rid of some of the media is not a bad idea, either.

Bravo, Joe! Your scholarship is obviously important to you. Unfortunately, it’s also almost totally wrong.

Future Business Leaders Of Kansas City Look Suspiciously Like People You’re All Going To Hate Someday

Good god. Two-toned shirts? A Burberry tie? Cocksure poses? Is this what it takes to be a future business leader of our fair city? Man, if we knew that all it took was looking like Macaulay Culkin in Richie Rich, then we would’ve jumped on that train long ago.

Hey, looks like local radio host and Mussolini impersonator Chris Stigall is quoted in today’s NYT article about the fake outrage surrounding President Hope’s in-school speech. Stigall’s quote: I wouldn’t let my next-door neighbor talk to my kid alone; I’m sure as hell not letting Barack Obama talk to him alone. Yeah, ’cause that’s the same thing. Sheesh.

UMKC Student Laments Total Lack Of Party Invitations In Sprawling, Perplexing Column

Local student Nikki Peters is not pleased, UMKC. Here she is, a nontraditional student, who just wants to attend a few fun events during your official Welcome Week. And what do you offer her? Bubkes, that’s what. Don’t you realize that some students work for a living? And can only attend pizza bashes and foam parties in the evenings? You must really have no sense of compassion. Unfortunately for you, Nikki Peters happens to write for University News, the school’s underwhelming broadsheet — and she’s going to use her media power to vent some complaints. And then she’ll do it some more. And then more. Cue the Debbie Downer noise:

It really isn’t a big deal for non-traditional students like me to go through “Welcome Week.”

That’s because we don’t get much of a welcome…
The commuter welcome on Tuesday was my favorite idea. But why couldn’t they have made it at dinner time instead?…

Then there are the activities missed because of night classes. I would have really enjoyed the pool party. Why couldn’t that be on a Saturday?…

I really shouldn’t be all that surprised. It’s getting harder and harder to make ends meet these days, and more and more college students are holding down full-time jobs…

There are, of course, evening activities in which everyone can get involved. But what do you do when you’re taking evening classes? Skip out? That defeats the purpose of college, doesn’t it?…

At the same time, everywhere I went during the admissions process, orientation and even convocation, there was an emphasis on getting involved on campus. How are we, as night students, supposed to do that?

Man! Nikki Peters is super pumped to be heading back to school! Based simply on this column, I’m guessing we can deduce certain things about Nikki Peters: she’s definitely a front-row-sitter; she probably has a huge, leather-bound Franklin Planner; she’ll pepper the teacher with questions to make sure she, The Nontraditional Student, understands the assignment; et cetera. If anyone on campus is listening… can you please just invite Nikki Peters to some kind of social outing? We guarantee she’ll be the life of the party.

KU Students Don’t Think Alcohol Education Will Affect Them

At least not if they’ve eaten beforehand and take classes in moderation.