In Retrospect, Perhaps A Bake Sale Would Have Been A Better Way To Go

As most folks know by now, over the past week anti-abortion and pro-crazy forces were showing off their Internetz skillz by organizing an eBay auction of items in order to fund the defense of Scott Roeder, Hit Man of the Almighty/alleged murderer of Wichita doctor George Tiller. ‘Cause although the Lord may instruct you to gun down a man during services in one of His houses of worship, you’re on your own when it comes to dealing with the aftermath.

Unfortunately, those heathens at the the online auction house disappointed those wanting to do the Lord’s bidding (cue drum & cymbal) on the various items, as eBay execs began removing the “murderabilia.” Hmm. Maybe fundraisers would have better luck with this site. I mean, come on! Who wouldn’t want any of this stuff?

Items organizers said were being donated for the auction include several drawings submitted by Roeder; an Army of God manual that describes dozens of ways to shut down abortion clinics; and a prison cookbook compiled by Shelley Shannon, who shot Tiller in 1993 and is serving time for clinic arsons and bombings.

On Sunday, however, the only items listed were a document of religious instruction written by a convicted clinic bomber and a Bible that belonged to Shannon.

“It has all the pro-life passages highlighted,” [auction organizer Dave] Leach said of the Bible.

Interesting. Perhaps bomber/attempted murderer Shannon highlighted this oldie but goodie from Exodus 20:13: “THOU SHALL NOT KILL.”  For ilk who tend to state that the Bible does not consist of a buffet of laws that we mortals get to selectively choose to obey, they sure seem to be glossing over one of the Decalogue’s Greatest Hits.

Well, now we learn that the pro-life-but-really-only-for-zygotes folks not only disregard the laws of God and eBay, but they also disdain those of our nation’s copyright system. As cartoonist Rob Tornoe notes in a piece on Daryl Cagle’s Political Cartoonists Index, among the artworks included in the auction items was a cartoon done by an associate of Roeder’s that blatantly plagiarizes an image produced by a syndicated cartoonist:

A Vote For COMBAT Extension Is A Vote For Hyperbole

While the attention surrounding the Nov. 3 election has primarily focused on various national elections (the Virginia and New Jersey gubernatorial races, for instance), here in the metro area Jackson County voters are being asked to extend the one-quarter cent COMBAT (Community Backed Anti-Drug Sales Tax).

Well, a group called Citizens for Crime Reduction would like you to know what future awaits if said sales tax is NOT extended– take a look at this mailer that is circulating around town:

Yes, JaxCountians! If you see fit to reject this extension, prepare to become a veritable Heartland Hadithah, as COMBAT is the only thing preventing the city and county from becoming a military-occupied parcel of land! Better learn your Arabic characters, because the Shiite is about to go down!

While we’re indulging in overwrought similes, COMBAT is also like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life in that if the tax didn’t exist, that mean old Mr. Potter would run Bedford Falls Kansas City into the ground with his drug empire, and Mary Hatch would likely be turning tricks for an eight-ball of coke.

Listen, we get that COMBAT contributes to some worthwhile drug treatment and prevention programs. But drawing references to Iraq is waaaaay over the top. It has no relevance whatsoever to this discussion. If you’re looking for an Iraq “with drugs,” we have a more apt comparison for you: Afghanistan.

‘It Is A Far, Far Better Rest That We Go To, Than We Have Ever Known.’

We’re taking a bit of a temporary hiatus, due to several things: busy schedules, upcoming vacations, and snark-induced exhaustion. Fret not, friends — goodbyes aren’t forever. We’ll be back. And hey, you can always email us. Enjoy the changing of the seasons.

Cultural Anthropologist Jason Whitlock Finally Explains Street Culture To KC

Regular readers of this site know that we are no fans of Jason Whitlock, the Star‘s painfully unfunny sports race columnist. His commendable reporting skills have slipped in recent years, replaced by tired rants, pitiable reliance on allegedly hip slang, and odd digressions about the female body. But at long last, Jason has turned his sights to his true passion: explaining street culture to staid white people. Finally! The city has long awaited a professional anthropologist who could delve into the minds of black youth and plumb the depths of their upbringing, bringing shallow and pithy analysis to the pages of a once-great paper. And now Jason has his chance with the little donnybrook over in Lawrence. So prepare yourself, for Dr. Whitlock is about to begin.

Time To End The War Of Attrition Plaguing The Star‘s Letters Section

Dear Kansas City,
Look, we get it. A lot of you are upset. A third of you think that President Hope is running this country into the ground. A third of you think racism is driving any and all criticism of the administration. And a third of you pretty much don’t care, which makes you the worst portion of the pie chart. But for now, let’s focus on the yeas and the nays — those all-too-vocal citizens who are reenacting the Thrilla in Manila in the pages of the Star‘s Letters to the Editor section. Every day for about three months, there has been a letter either warning of a looming apocalypse or warning of the lunatics saying such things. Today’s letter, a rambling, illogical, and shrill missive, from Leawood’s Pam Zubeck is evidence that the debate has finally gone too far. Some samples of its low points:

It doesn’t take a talk show host to make reasonable, rational individuals realize there is something wrong with the way this country is being run today… News flash to the left: You don’t own the First Amendment… It seems to me the 9/12 protesters are the very people who are trying to save this republic… The “progressives” of 1776 gave their lives, fortunes and sacred honor so we can be free. The “progressives” of 2009 in no way resemble the “progressives” of the American Revolution… The 2009 progressives want enslavement to the government… Don’t call yourself a progressive and then say you’re in the same league with Washington, Jefferson, Adams and Franklin, because you’re not even close.

Well. I’m not sure I have the energy to point out exactly why Ms. Zubeck has deep-sixed reality so fervently, but perhaps a message to the respective sides will help us end at least one theater of this war: the Star‘s letters section. Because, you know, we need more room for stuff like this. Anyway, to the lecturing.

Billy Mays Returns As OxyLazarus…Now With Lemon-Scented Prison-Escaping Power!

Silly Billy Mays – if you’re going to enter into a contract with Satan to return to Earth from beyond the grave, be prepared for Lucifer to royally screw you over. He might, for instance, send you back as an inmate in a Hutchinson prison.    

A Tempest Over A Teabagger

Chris Stigall: Poor metaphor-maker. Professional outraged man. Aspiring Generalissimo. And now…SS agent bent on destroying Indiana Jones and weaponizing the Ark of the Covenant? Sir, you will not allow your children speak with the president, but you would ally yourself with the Third Reich?

Believe It Or Not, Criminal Not Fooling Anybody By Adopting William Katt Disguise

A Lee’s Summit man wanted on charges of abhorrent sexual predilections was found near the Texas-Mexico border last week. In an attempt to evade authorities, he decided his best chance was to sport a bleach-blond Man-Perm.  Review the first lesson from “Changing Your Identity 101,” Mr. Not-So-Smooth Criminal: either shave the goatee or dye it the same shade of cartoon blond as the rest of your hair.

And sir — dressing as Ralph Hinkley from “The Greatest American Hero” is hardly a viable escape strategy.

Funkhouser Looks To Sport-Themed ‘Dungeons & Dragons’ Wagering As Potential Solution To Public Funding

Governing, schmoverning:

Funkhouser, other mayors to be in charity fantasy football league with $15,000 prize

Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser and the mayors of 10 other cities will compete in a fantasy football league that could mean $30,000 for the Police Athletic League. The champion of the Yahoo!-sponsored mayoral face-off will receive $15,000 for a non-profit sports program. Funkhouser chose the Police Athletic League.

Unfortunately, Funkhouser got off to a rocky start when he chose a member of the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps as an offensive lineman. Wrong kind of defense skills, chief. In addition, he tasked city planners with developing a new fantasy football stadium to be funded by the fantasy taxpayers through a fantasy hotel and rental car fee.

It’s nice that the money goes to charity and all, and we’re really not going to begrudge the mayor his enjoyment of a harmless piece of leisure, but couldn’t he, you know, appoint someone else to handle this?  Or form an Ad Hoc Committee For Pretend Sports? It could meet at the same time the Task Force for Computer Solitaire gathers.

That reminds us…when do the fantasy local government elections begin?

Fox 4 Offers Advice On How To Stop Worrying And Love The Living Dead

It’s not enough to worry about terrorists potentially moving in the neighborhood, now we should concern ourselves with the living dead?

Could Mankind Survive a Zombie Attack?

It’s a question that many people, typically after a drink or two, have asked themselves, and now some scientists in Canada say that they have found an answer but it may not be the one we want to hear.

Could civilization survive an attack by zombies?

Uh…this is Fox 4, local news outlet, correct? Have we gotten this mixed up with Fangoria‘s Web site?

Yes, they’re serious, and, alarmingly, the answer is no, unless zombies are dealt with quickly and aggressively, according to researchers with the Universities of Ottawa and Carleton in Canada, who published the paper in a book dealing with the spread of infectious disease, the BBC reported on Tuesday.

In movie and video game lore, zombies can infect the living through a bite. The premise of the study may seem silly, but researchers say that the intent of the report is a serious look at how an infectious disease can quickly overtake a population.

“We introduce a basic model for zombie infection and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions,” Professor Robert Smith? told the BBC. According to the school’s website, Smith uses the question mark in his name to differentiate himself from rock singer Robert Smith of the band The Cure.

That last paragraph may be the singularly best group of phrases in the history of writing.