UMKC Student Laments Total Lack Of Party Invitations In Sprawling, Perplexing Column

Local student Nikki Peters is not pleased, UMKC. Here she is, a nontraditional student, who just wants to attend a few fun events during your official Welcome Week. And what do you offer her? Bubkes, that’s what. Don’t you realize that some students work for a living? And can only attend pizza bashes and foam parties in the evenings? You must really have no sense of compassion. Unfortunately for you, Nikki Peters happens to write for University News, the school’s underwhelming broadsheet — and she’s going to use her media power to vent some complaints. And then she’ll do it some more. And then more. Cue the Debbie Downer noise:

It really isn’t a big deal for non-traditional students like me to go through “Welcome Week.”

That’s because we don’t get much of a welcome…
The commuter welcome on Tuesday was my favorite idea. But why couldn’t they have made it at dinner time instead?…

Then there are the activities missed because of night classes. I would have really enjoyed the pool party. Why couldn’t that be on a Saturday?…

I really shouldn’t be all that surprised. It’s getting harder and harder to make ends meet these days, and more and more college students are holding down full-time jobs…

There are, of course, evening activities in which everyone can get involved. But what do you do when you’re taking evening classes? Skip out? That defeats the purpose of college, doesn’t it?…

At the same time, everywhere I went during the admissions process, orientation and even convocation, there was an emphasis on getting involved on campus. How are we, as night students, supposed to do that?

Man! Nikki Peters is super pumped to be heading back to school! Based simply on this column, I’m guessing we can deduce certain things about Nikki Peters: she’s definitely a front-row-sitter; she probably has a huge, leather-bound Franklin Planner; she’ll pepper the teacher with questions to make sure she, The Nontraditional Student, understands the assignment; et cetera. If anyone on campus is listening… can you please just invite Nikki Peters to some kind of social outing? We guarantee she’ll be the life of the party.