Treehuggers Checkmate Hunters In Bizarre, Awesome Act Of Melodrama

For some time we’ve been following the little flap over deer-eradication in Shawnee Mission Park, where the ungulates have outgrown their suburban constraints and are bothering pretty much everyone. Both sides have been a little careless with their rhetoric, with the pro-death crowd hiring a squad of weekend warrior mercenaries, and the pro-deer crowd erecting billboards to persuade passersby that Bambi should live. But that was all child’s play — because a man named Jason Miller has trumped anything and everything with one act of perplexing, amazing, gutsy defiance. He took it to a Lord of the Flies level, and now we say: game, set, match.

Yes, it’s the severed head of a deer.

Jason Miller, an animal rights activist, got the deer head from a meat processor and brought it to Shawnee Mission Park today.

He wanted to graphically demonstate what is about to happen to 75 percent of a herd of deer in Shawnee Mission Park that is estimated to be about 700.

Oh, sweet lord. Who goes to a meat processor and asks for a deer’s head? And who places said head in a basket and leaves it for officials? Insanity, thy name is Jason Miller. But it gets so much better.

Miller referred to the deer head as Victoria and said that if the “planned slaughter” goes forward, “I (Victoria) will be the future face of Shawnee Mission Park, which would in turn come to be known as Death Park.”

Um. You f’ing named it? You… you do realize it’s just a severed head, right? And not an actual living creature? We do like the part about “Death Park,” though. Kind of catchy, and it would probably clear out the jogging trails a bit. The bottom line here, though, is a) environmentalists know no dramatic bounds, and b) Jason Miller’s mind works in odd ways.

Your move, park officials.

Men Of UMKC Totally Standin’ Up For Women, Bro

Perhaps you heard that yesterday was the “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” event across the country. That means, apparently, doing what you can to stop domestic violence and sexual assault and all those other awul things that degenerate males think are okay. The whole “walk a mile” thing, though? That’s kind of a metaphor, dating back to the age-old maxim. Oops: someone forgot to explain to the gentlemen of UMKC — the Harvard of Midtown — exactly how a metaphor operates. (And they’re probably pretty fuzzy on metonymy and synecdoche, too. ) The result? Perhaps the strangest fraternity initiation ever.

They say if you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, you’ll understand them better.

That’s what several hundred men did Tuesday night by walking in high-heeled shoes…

“If I can make a stand, a difference in the world, I’m down with that.”

Yeah, dude! We are also so down with that! Stopping violence against women is just off the hook — almost as awesome as The Blueprint 3.

Also included in the story was this little gem:

The event also encourages men to respect women, even if that respect is earned by wearing pumps.”

I just did it for 10 minutes. People who do it all day — that’s hard,” one walker said.

Uh… if we really cared about respecting women, wouldn’t we just stop perpetuating a system that makes them wear painfully uncomfortable, aesthetically preposterous shoes? Just sayin’.

Photo via KMBC. Please don’t sue us.

Billy Mays Returns As OxyLazarus…Now With Lemon-Scented Prison-Escaping Power!

Silly Billy Mays – if you’re going to enter into a contract with Satan to return to Earth from beyond the grave, be prepared for Lucifer to royally screw you over. He might, for instance, send you back as an inmate in a Hutchinson prison.    

Crazy Star Blogger Walter Winch Being Ignored By Whole Countries Now

For some time, we’ve been following the happenings over at KC Earth Notes, the Star‘s allegedly enviro-centric blog. Sadly, KCEN mostly ends up being crazy-centric thanks to the rambling missives of Professional Angry Man Walter Winch, who pens sprawling broadsides directed at oil companies, capitalists, and fans of good prose. His latest entry is no different, thank heaven: an open, sarcastic letter to the nation of Australia. Um, yeah. I guess he’s upset about global warming or something?

Dear Australia,

Stop worrying, some of America’s best minds have concluded that climate change is all a clever hoax, and nothing more than just a despicable con instigated by all those greedy scientists to get public funds for their useless, make-work projects…

They’ve got more important things to worry about, like lousy health care, rotten schools, endless wars, disappearing jobs, and a collapsing economic system. Give me a break!

Don’t worry Australia, be happy. Everything will work out for the best as my ex mother-in-law told us all the time.

Whoa. Catch that last part about his ex-mother-in-law? Uh… is Walter using the KC Earth Notes forum to vent some personal dirty laundry? And what about this part:

an occasional solar flare–a hiccup of moonbeams–so to speak;

Is that even a phrase? Please, Star higher-ups: could you send someone down to Walter’s desk, just to check on him? We’re seriously getting worried over here. And given that there are no comments on this post, it’s obvious that everyone from Canberra to Melbourne is ignoring him. Can he handle that blow to his pride? ‘e needs some attention, mate!

Crazy Star Blogger Walter Winch Declares End Of Modern World; Claim Falls Into Unread Internet Ether

Tracking the asinine online ramblings of Star blogger Walter Winch (though please note that the paper takes care to separate itself from his opinions on the KC Earth Notes blog) has long been a peculiar passion of ours. Where else can one find the sprawling diatribes of a man committed to the cause of environmental fundamentalism — in the venue of a totally unread and widely ignored online forum? The answer, quite simply, is “nowhere.” That’s why we were somewhat alarmed to see that Walter has gone ahead and declared the end of the whole structure of industrial capitalism; after all, doesn’t this mean we’re in a bit of trouble? Have we plum tuckered out the system? Is Walter right? Does this transcend mere Earth-caretaking and point to something larger within our nature? Let’s let him explain it.

Our global economic system that has been unfolding over the past one-hundred years or so will, I think, slowly (maybe not so slowly) creak to a halt. It’s unsustainable, especially if another two billion people believe they’re entitled to the same standard of living as much of the West has had over at least the last 60 years…

If we Americans can take our blinders off fairly soon (being optimistic), we just might be able to adapt better and faster than anyone else to the changes that are rapidly approaching. No motherhood, apple pie, and free-market blather will stop what’s coming our way.

NOOO! According to Walter — who truly boasts one of the worst photos anywhere on the Star‘s site; he looks like an extra from The Last Starfighter — we need to make some serious changes, and fast. So, how was this bold prediction greeted on the Earth Notes blog? Um… crickets. No comments. No angry emails or letters to the editor. In a word: yawn. Come on, people! Do ye not realize that Walter is like a modern-day shrouded prophet? One day soon, our global system will indeed fall — and Walter will be there laughing at your lamentations. Of course, no one will hear him then, either. Alas.

Kansas City Dating Scene Officially Hits Rock Bottom, Fake-Arrests Self

It’s long been said around these parts that KC is just a terrible place for young singles — barring the hookup-heavy primordial ooze of Power & Light, the fratty Plaza bar scene, and the hipster epicenter of Westport — but never has that maxim been on such stark display. What’s this city coming to when one can’t even impersonate a police officer to seal the deal with a woman? And after taking her on a fancy date to McDonald’s, no less!

The woman called police about midnight Tuesday saying that she was on a date with the man, but got a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. When she tried to end the date, they got into an argument and he threatened to arrest her if she didn’t go to his home, she told police.

Police responded to the McDonald’s restaurant at W. 87th Street and Mauer Road where the woman told them that she was in the early stages of a relationship with a man who was passing himself off as a police officer, said Sgt. Gary Graniewski.

Long and winding is the road of love, sir, but one hardly needs to engage in such duplicity. Might we suggest perhaps choosing a less high-profile profession next time? Just say you’re a plumber: good money, good security, and you can work in a good Shop Class as Soulcraft reference. And hey, if you’re gonna spring for fast food, at least make it Arby’s.

Local Woman Blames Leathery Skin, General Malaise On Distant Bureaucrat

Here, courtesy of the Star, is a rather grim sight from yesterday’s health care hullabaloo on the campus of UMKC. Looks like this particular protester is attempting to shift the blame — we’re guessing decades of Virginia Slims gave you the cryptkeeper look, ma’am.

Believe It Or Not, Criminal Not Fooling Anybody By Adopting William Katt Disguise

A Lee’s Summit man wanted on charges of abhorrent sexual predilections was found near the Texas-Mexico border last week. In an attempt to evade authorities, he decided his best chance was to sport a bleach-blond Man-Perm.  Review the first lesson from “Changing Your Identity 101,” Mr. Not-So-Smooth Criminal: either shave the goatee or dye it the same shade of cartoon blond as the rest of your hair.

And sir — dressing as Ralph Hinkley from “The Greatest American Hero” is hardly a viable escape strategy.

Reason #6 To Continue Watching Royals: Betancourt Can Expel Baseballs From His Benchwarmer

This follows the fine tradition of Royals players not only playing like crap, but…well, you see where we’re going with this.

Royals BaseBowel: True. Brown. Tradition.

Fox 4 Offers Advice On How To Stop Worrying And Love The Living Dead

It’s not enough to worry about terrorists potentially moving in the neighborhood, now we should concern ourselves with the living dead?

Could Mankind Survive a Zombie Attack?

It’s a question that many people, typically after a drink or two, have asked themselves, and now some scientists in Canada say that they have found an answer but it may not be the one we want to hear.

Could civilization survive an attack by zombies?

Uh…this is Fox 4, local news outlet, correct? Have we gotten this mixed up with Fangoria‘s Web site?

Yes, they’re serious, and, alarmingly, the answer is no, unless zombies are dealt with quickly and aggressively, according to researchers with the Universities of Ottawa and Carleton in Canada, who published the paper in a book dealing with the spread of infectious disease, the BBC reported on Tuesday.

In movie and video game lore, zombies can infect the living through a bite. The premise of the study may seem silly, but researchers say that the intent of the report is a serious look at how an infectious disease can quickly overtake a population.

“We introduce a basic model for zombie infection and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions,” Professor Robert Smith? told the BBC. According to the school’s website, Smith uses the question mark in his name to differentiate himself from rock singer Robert Smith of the band The Cure.

That last paragraph may be the singularly best group of phrases in the history of writing.