You Must Love America THIS MUCH To Watch This Movie

By now, most Real ‘Mericans are aware of the explosive-action valentine to American awesomeness and kickassery that arrives in theaters this Friday: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Indeed, Hollywood is betting your nostalgia and patriotism will lead you to fork over some G.I. Dough at the box office — so much, in fact, that the film’s promotional campaign has forgone marketing the movie to those coastal wretches and has instead set its laser sights on various heartland venues, including this Cowtown. As an L.A. Times story notes:

“G.I. Joe” is embedded in the Kid Rock and Lynyrd Skynyrd concert tour, advertised at the Country Music Television Awards and excerpted on giant video screens at Minnesota’s Mall of America. It is bombarding Kansas City, Charlotte, Columbus and Grand Rapids on new digital billboards.

The subtext is none too subtle: Critics are likely to roast the film, and fanboys of the original toy line and comic book may be indifferent, but if you’re a flag-waving, Nascar-loving American, it’s practically your patriotic duty to see this movie.

Damn skippy! Much to the delight of some people, you won’t be seein’ no Spanish subtitles in this flick! Hell, Cobra even destroys the Eiffel Tower in the preview — and there’s nothing Americans enjoy more than watching the Frenchies take one in the culture hole. Take that, wine-swilling croissant munchers! Read on for more patriJoetism:

Legions Of KC Jackasses Shed Striped Shirts From Express As P&L Rooftop Pool Opens

Oh, my. Didn’t think the crowd at the Kansas City Power & Light District could get any more chock full o’ herpes sultry? Well, the overlords of that ostentatiously amoral locale are about to take it up a notch: opening this weekend, the official Power & Light rooftop pool! It’s genius! Now your tribal band tattoos can be gleefully unencumbered by your Affliction shirts! Step right up, ladies — provided you’re a fan of guys who shop exclusively at GNC, that is.

The name of this hip new aquaspot is no doubt something delightfully clev — wait, what? “The Jones”? Seriously? Is that supposed to refer to an urge? Or more of a “keepin’ up with” sense of the term, perhaps?

The people behind the Kansas City Power & Light District hope The Jones, modeled after chic cabana clubs in bigger cities, will heat up downtown business even more.

Crews were busy Thursday putting finishing touches on the rooftop pool and lounge to prepare for the sold-out opening on Saturday night.

A sold-out opening night, eh? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the number of people we’d like to meet at that event would be… zero. However! Don’t let our misanthropy stop you. Do you enjoy gazing upon guys and girls who are all generically attractive in a kindasorta really boring kind of way? Want to overhear interesting conversation about the latest episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 with people who’ve likely never heard of Tehran? Step right up, Kansas City! “The Jones” awaits!

Jason Whitlock Brags About Sartorial Taste, Imitates Samuel L. Jackson

So: Jason Whitlock, Kansas City’s very own racially incendiary columnist, is a good dresser. He’d like you to know that up front. What he’ll also tell you is that he is not a fan of the Power And/Or Light District, whose judgeandjury bouncers see fit to keep J-Dub and his friends out of something called “Shark Bar” based simply on what the group is wearing. And what would that be? Oh, he’s more than happy to provide details.